I suppose it’s that time where we are having the last Friday, Saturday and Wednesday of 2012! I feel like New Year’s Eve, while it’s a great evening, is just overrated. I don’t know, I never used to think this way, but something changed. People are saying that they’re going to stop smoking, starting eating healthier, to be happier, to finally come out, to not be such an ass, but why wait until January 1st? I think that’s what gets me now. People are making their resolutions and are set on starting them on the first of January at midnight after that damn ball drops in Times Square. Some end up following through with their resolutions and others fail to remember them by the time Valentine’s Day comes around.
January 1st is an easy day to remember though. I can see why the world makes resolutions and try to change their life on that day. I can tell you what I was doing last year on New Year’s Eve. I was on Skype with my cousin’s at 10:50 EST, ten minutes before it was January 1st in Nova Scotia, Canada. I brought in the New Year with them via Skype. My mom and dad were in the living room with my brother and Sue, a good friend of my mom’s. Sue was on the wagon due to chemotherapy and I was drinking. Two years ago I was washing dishes with my aunt, talking about my resolution being eating healthier and she went on a whole lecture on how to do that. Three years ago, I was in Canada singing, horribly might I add, on friggen Rock Band. This year, I’ll bring the New Year in with my class… Something I’m not overly thrilled about due to recent events, but I’ll be with friends, another night I won’t forget.
I digressed from resolutions. I can’t tell you what they were for past years, but even thought I don’t fully understand the point of waiting until this specific day, I do have resolutions. The whole picture that went around every damn social media site about getting a Mason jar and writing good memories on it and opening it a year later, I want to do that. This year was especially hard and hey! It’s not going anywhere decent, but I want to have that there so when I don’t have an Allstar Weekend concert to look forward to, I at least know that my life is worth continuing. But I suppose another one of my resolutions is to stay clean. Yes, as hard as this is to type, I am hoping to fucking blue skies that my one friend shows up… I’m going to get rid of those razor blades on Monday. I promise.
Why these two things? I’m still asking myself the same thing. But I know why, I just don’t know if I want to admit it to myself. This jar of good memories is to remind me that my life is worth living. April 16th, I don’t even remember what happened… no, that’s a lie. I am almost positive this was the day my dad blamed me for my parent’s separation or said I made it harder; he said them both, and that day I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. We were making posters for our class and he showed up, I don’t remember everything, but I wanted nothing to do with him or my mom, I figured she felt the same. I sat outside a hallway, crying, I held it in all day. People came by and there are two I remember most. This one kid that just seemed crazy and lived life like nothing mattered, he sat there for a long fucking time. Then my friend came out. He half hugged me and said, “Everything’s going to be all good.” Signature line. I shook my head and just waited. Later that afternoon, I ended up in the bathroom, texting that same friend, asking for scissors. He wouldn’t get them for me. I was pissed at him and got pretty mad. That is honestly all I wanted right then and there and he was being an asshole and wouldn’t get them for me. I guess I got pretty mad at him and wanted nothing to do with him.
Ten minutes later, my Nana was there to pick me up to bring me to her house, where my mom was living and would meet us. I grabbed my pillow from my house, some clothes and got in the car. Went right to bed, by that time, I hadn’t eaten anything in over 24-hours. My mom eventually came in and said something along the lines that she was sorry for being such a horrible person and something else. I was hysterical here when I told her that he said it was my fault. Before that, I wanted to die. I was done. I fucked everything else up, why was I even still here? Usually when I felt like that, I’d call that same friend, but with the day’s activities and the next day being his birthday, I shut my mouth. My mom and I talked a bit and I ate something. Yes, after I decided to get back into bed, I did text both of those people. Ultimately thanked him for not bringing me those scissors and just being there in general.
But that’s not what got me through. I was thinking of how I met Brent that summer and how he gave me his guitar pick in February and how I had tickets to see them in September and that’s all that mattered, that’s all that mattered right then.
I don’t want to have to get to that point and have to have that randomly pop up and have to rely on me thinking of seeing Allstar Weekend again. I can’t just rely on that. That’s where the Mason jar idea comes into play. I want to remember everything in a positive way and to know that there are good things that happen through the shitty things as well, there always will be.
As for getting clean, have you ever had to tell someone you just started to know about a problem face to face that big? One you haven’t even told your parents about? I have. Probably the hardest thing I have ever done and all I did was stand there as he guessed when it finally only left me. That was another hard night and I couldn’t stand the feeling afterward. He knew and the look in his eyes… it killed me. I don’t know how many times I texted him that night, but it was a lot. I finally called him and we talked for a while. We talked about it and that our friendship was still there. It was there a year and a half ago, but about a year ago, I started again. I didn’t tell him because usually I’d just call and talk about everything. I still did that; I just left out that part. I told him once or twice about what I was doing on the phone and I got a long lecture after that. Sure, a stronger friendship grew out of it, but it’s not the one I truly wanted, I had the one I wanted over the summer with him, I still do… he claims, but I just don’t see it. I want to stop so I don’t ever have to go through that again. I don’t want to ruin a friendship, I don’t want to lose someone I care about, I don’t want to tell him everything, I don’t want him to have the pressure of that, I’m sure he never thinks about it now, or even then, but I’d still call him and we’d talk about it… I just don’t want to have to go through that… he’s the reason I’m seeing a therapist. I couldn’t just have him, I needed to see someone… as much as I hated to admit it, and I needed to. It was too much for him and for me to cope with.
I don’t want to just do it for him; I want to do it for me. I don’t want to always worry about someone seeing something or rumors; I have to deal with enough of them as it is. I want to see a better side of everything and to stop sitting in the corner of my room, crying, contemplating if I can do it, then going through with it. I want to be happier.
I say I don’t understand the reasoning behind picking the first of the year to change your life, but it’s a good time to reflect, one can always remember where they were when the ball drops and no matter what I believe or don’t understand, I’ll always think of something that I want to change because obstacles present themselves in the course of 365 days, they’re bound to happen and no one has a perfect year, but if you can learn to jump over the hurtles and shake it off when you don’t have the strength to fully it make it over one or when you totally fumble, you just have to get back up and remember how you started this year and what your attitude was and keep that. Keep that excited, positive and happy attitude that you had when you brought the New Year in. And whom you brought it in with. Keep them close, you care about them as they care about you if you’re bringing the year in with them. There’s always going to be someone who cares about you regardless of where you are, stick to your resolutions and overflow your Mason jar with the good things that happen to you in 365 days, because you’re not worth 365 memories. You’re worth more.
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