I think I was just stabbed in the heart and the back.

So I've basically liked this guy since my freshman year of high school. We briefly dated, but he kissed another girl and we were both just immature and not ready. We've stayed best friends since then. With me following him around like a little puppy dog basically and him acting every now and again like he cares too.

Everyone still asks if we're dating and says that we have a natural chemistry together and that it's obvious we care about each other.

He has a real fucking SHITTY way of showing it. He's not dumb to the fact I still care about him. He knows. Just Wednesday night we kissed a few times and he sat with our fingers intertwined kissing my hands and fingers.

Well. A freshman that we're friends with and sits at our lunch table told him she wanted to have sex with him. He told me she told him not to tell me because she knew I'd get mad. I like this girl, I really do. She's sweet. But my territorial mode in me came out. I didn't express it. I couldn't. He isn't mine to get territorial about. But he SAID TO ME, AS HE KISSED THE BACK OF MY HAND, that he wouldn't do that, and not to worry.

So I didn't. Friday, we were supposed to all go party. I declined, as I wasn't up for it. He told me he wasn't going either, that his family was doing something and he had to clean his room.

What do I get tonight? A DM from my best friend asking if I was mad at the freshman girl. I said no, why would I be?

She said "She thought you were mad at her because she had sex with A."

WHAT THE FUCK. I played it cool and denied up and down that I was upset. Even talked to the girl herself and assured her I wasn't upset with her.

And at the time I wasn't. But now that it's sinking in, IT HURTS. BADLY.

She knew I still cared about him and HE knew too.

I know I can't always have it my way and I shouldn't expect him to care like I do, it is the fact that he leads me on CONTINUOUSLY. IT ISN'T FAIR. It. Is. Not. Fair.

He kisses me like he cares. But he has a pretty fucking piss poor way of truly showing it. He's making me feel SICK. I'm supposed to tutor him and help him get his ACT score up so he can get higher than a fucking 18 so he can be an engineer like he wants. I bend over backwards for him because I CARE.

What do I get in return? A slap in the face and yet another night of crying over HIM.

He lied to me. He said he wasn't going to that party. He said he wouldn't have sex with her. I cannot describe the way he kissed me to you guys. It felt like he cared. It felt like maybe, we would get to work things out. I thought we were mature enough now to be together.

But yet again, I was WRONG. And this time, it hurts more than any other time because now, I have to LOOK at BOTH of them every day.

I'm talking to him tomorrow about it. And I will tell him he BETTER not fucking touch me ever again if this is all he's ever going to do to me. I deserve better than this bullshit and I'm finally at my breaking point.