I know a boy and he likes fake dolls.

So there is that one motherfucking boy.
I know he is really bad for me and I understand he will NEVER feel the same.
Yet, my body always gets the wrong intentions.
When he writes something to me, I go nuts.
Those days he posts up the lovesick statuses after we talk.
And when we speak not for hours but ALL NIGHTS AT A TIME!
You would think if he wasn't into me this would be weird.
So he is weird.

The other night we listened to Slipknot, Snuff to be exact, and it is a sad song about love. and loss. and all that jazz.
I thought 'FINALLY', he might, JUST MIGHT like me back.
So i kinda get ready you know? smile more often, and I realized.....what if this is wrong?
What if I am blowing this out of proportion?
What if this is the anniversary of losing her? (which I will not go into details with)
What if I am getting happy, feeling motivated, and joyful, for no fucking reason?
I knew it was too good to be true in the end.

So that night I messaged hi asking him kinda, what was going on,
Why are you not asleep? (even though I knew full well he had insomnia)
Why don't you have anymore meds? (but I knew he didn't want to go get them from Walgreens like he usually doesn't want to)
What's on your mind love? (and I knew full out he was not my love, but pet names are what I do.)

I get responses like, I love her but I know I can't have her.
She was my best friends.
He wants her back.
She said she is losing feelings.
I am just dying to tell her my real feelings.
I am dying to tell her my real feelings
I AM dying to tell her my real feelings.
I am DYING to tell her my real feelings.
I am dying TO tell her my real feelings.
I am dying to TELL her my real feelings.
I am dying to tell HER my real feelings.
I am dying to tell her MY real feelings.
I am dying to tell her my REAL feelings.
I am dying to tell her my real FEELINGS.......................oh really?

Was my simple, and effective response.
You tell me about how you and her have deep conversations
(that I know for a fact we have had multiple times, way over 10)
How she likes all you Facebook pictures
(and when I do it I feel like a fucking creep)
She is perfect. She was his and now you have a chance.

I say to just tell her.
what the hell. you got yourself in a bad position but you have every right to do what you want.
but you do NOT even know how I feel.

I stay up most nights HOPING you will message me.
You make me feel pretty.
Adequate.
You help me understand shit that confuses me but you don't me feel like an idiot.
You make me FEEL HUMAN.
I feel cold blooded now, like a fucking slithering snake. one that ate 6784 mice to get fatter.

Next to 'Doll' (which I will NOT name) I look like a potato.
It is like choosing Alice over Tweedle-Dumb
I am going insane.

I can see a future with you and it scares me to know that I would have stayed here for college
because I am afraid to lose you.
I know I say I want you in my life no matter what
but being friends it will NEVER make my final cut!
You and I love gore and horror and I am sure she does too,
She knows metal better then I do, she probably even is as OLD AS YOU.
But I know that no one can love you more then I ever will Bri.
I wanna watch her, I have to see her try.
If she even passes this chance up she is a stupid, incompetent fool.
See I need to open my mouth next time.
Fuck all these love rules.
I know you broke 'em.
SO I can too.