I don't often post blog entries on here, simply because I usually only use this site for reading/writing stories but I feel as if this is the only place I can truely vent at the moment without being judged.
Lately, I've been feeling completely lost. Lost and alone. The only company I seem to enjoy is my own but it's not as if I don't try to make the effort with other people because I do. That's the problem, I seem to be the person who always makes the effort. I'm always the one who suggests meet ups or something of the sort, most of the time to be turned down. I don't know whether it's my own head, but I feel like a burden.
I don't hold any significant meaning to anyone. I'm told that I'm peoples "best friend", but I have to question what that truely means to them. Does it mean a person in which they speak to now and then? Does it mean a person that they rarely speak to in their spare time? Does it mean a person who they make no effort with? Does it mean a person in which they make to feel uncomfortable? Or possibly a person that they like to frequently bitch about?
I doubt it's just my group of friends that this happens with. I witness every one of them laughing and being friendly to each others faces but as soon as ones back is turned they have their knives at the ready, preparing to attack with no mercy. I'm not one to really talk if I'm honest because I myself can be a total bitch at times but it's mostly within reason. I don't tell these people that I'm their best friend, because I'm not. Most of the time I can barely stand them. I have a few close friends but only one which I consider my best friend yet I'm beginning to even doubt that title lately. We talk constantly and I feel as though I can tell her everything but I can tell she's hiding things from me. I'm the first to admit I have trust issues and can be paranoid at times but I'm not stupid. I can tell when I'm being lied to and being kept in the dark. Even with her I'm always the one making the effort. I don't know whether she is just truely that lazy or if she just doesn't want to spend time around me. It's ridiculous that I even have to question that.
My family is literally torn apart. I have never had a functional relationship with my dad. To put it bluntly, he's a complete asshole. He seems to have it in his head that he can ignore the entire household but aslong as he puts money on the table now and then, we'll all be thankful and love him to pieces. It doesn't work that way, especially not when said person is an alcoholic who would rather spend time with strangers at a bar than he would spending time with his own family. The last time I remember us having a full conversation was last February which had been him trying to convince me into having something I didn't want (which I was doing for his benefit more than my own). It's a common feeling for me to look at my own flesh and blood and hate his entire being. My brother and I mainly stay in our rooms because he seems to think he owns every other room (which technically, I guess he does but it is a family home afterall). My brother doesn't speak a word to him and yet my dad holds some sort of grudge towards him. Almost every week I have to hear my mother complain about my dad and how she plans to leave him. She never does. I feel guilty at times for complaining when she does come to me to tell me how she's feeling about their relationship but nobody has any idea how frustrating it is for me. A few years back when she did actually leave him and me and my brother had gone with her, I made my feelings toward my dad and the fact I didn't want any contact with him very clear however during the time they were seperated, we had to visit the old house due to pets we had to leave behind. Every opportunity he had, he would try to convince her to come back to him promising that he'd change. Everytime I could see that she was doubting her decision in leaving. She believed his lies. Within a few months, she had agreed to move back. I had begged and wept for her not to until the very last day where I was forced to pack my things but she didn't listen to me. I was told I was being immature, selfish and stubborn because "it wasn't like he beat you". He was nice for about a month after moving back, he started doing new things to the house but after that, he started getting back into his old routine of going out drinking every weekend and coming in as the drunk asshole. All of the jobs he had started doing on the house were put on hold, the arguments started where he would then go in one of his moods for weeks - not speaking to anyone, denying anyone use of his things, moaning about the tiniest things. I can't count the amount of times I've been told "I wish I would have listened to you." but it's too late for that. I've forgiven her for what she did because I knew she was unhappy being away from our house and all things familiar to her but I cannot forget it. Everytime they have a fallout she comes to me telling me that she's leaving for good this time but within a week they make up (with no apology mind you). I cannot take her serious anymore. She used to be a woman I looked up to as my hero, but now I realise how weak she actually is. I don't blame her nor do I love her any less, but I'm disappointed in her. I can't deal with constant arguments. I don't even feel as if I belong in this family. I'm singled out because I don't speak the way they do or like the same things they do and have been made fun of several times by them, my own blood. The people who are always supposed to be there for me and love me for who I am.
This town is full of low-life, small minded, shameless people. That's the only way I can describe them that doesn't involve any curse words. The way that it's looked upon here is that if you're not a teenager who spends their weekend drinking alcohol in a park and has been doing so since the age of 12/13 (which is also seen as quite a late age to lose your virginity here) and you don't look like a complete tacky mess then you're not worth anyones time. You're labeled a "freak" for not liking things they do even though they are the ones who are clones of eachother. If one person who is well known here starts liking a certain band then so does the rest of the cities population. One person starts wearing a certain trend, so do all of them. Yet those who wish to do their own things are seen as weird and freakish. I doubt I'll ever be able to understand that.
I worry about how I'll get out of here, but I have faith in my determination to do so. I know that I am going to push myself to get away from everything that is in this city; the people, the places, the entire enviroment. I owe it to myself to get as far as possible from here. I don't deserve to be treated the way that I do or have to suffer in this type of enviroment.
Theres certainly truth in the saying that you can only depend on yourself. I hope that it won't always be that way, but for now the only person I can fully trust to make things better is me.
If you've actually read all of this and can relate to it, then I'm sorry. I know the thoughts and feelings that come with going through such things. I've cried myself to sleep on more than once occasion because I'm scared that it will always be this way. I've cried because I think it might be my fault that things are the way they are. I've thought that I might be depressed but I'm not - I'm unhappy, god yes but I still have hope that things will get better. I have faith in myself to strive through everything and come out ontop.
Many cannot appreciate greatness and sometimes it can go unseen but in the end, it is greatness that overcomes everything.
This is most likely a jumbled mess but I had to get it out somehow.
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