I feel alone.

I'm sure that no one is going to read this.
Do you ever get this over-bearing feeling that you just can't get over? Or a desire to do a devious task, and in completing that task, you feel almost... free?
Tonight, was the first night in awhile that I took that razor blade from its secret place under my mattress and made 20 incisions into my forearm. I come to realize that it's not the healthiest thing to do, and that I shouldn't have done it because it could potentially spark up that addiction that I, not so long ago, had.
I'm not saying that I regret it, and in a way, I know that's wrong. That I should feel bad for doing it. And that's how my friend says I should feel. That's it's the first stage in recovery. I've already gone through recovery. And I'm going through it again. I'm half way through recovery. She insists that I just need to start over. But why start over when I've already made it this far?
They all think that it's just a phase that every teen will go through at one point in time. But goddammit, I'm almost an adult and I'm going to end up out on my own soon. I can't keep doing this to myself. But the thing I'm going through, it's not a phase. Someone does not go through a 'phase' since the 6th grade. That's 5 years. 1,825 days. 2,628,000 minutes. 157,788,000 seconds. And that's still counting.
But anyway, I just.. needed to get that off my chest, so if you've made it this far: I can't even begin to thank you as much as I would like to. But thank you. Very, very much.