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I'm writing this because I need to get out how I feel. About everything. I'm working on the assumption you won't read this, so it makes it okay to say what I'm feeling. I can't tell you because honestly the only way I'll be able to stay some sort of sane is to get to be your friend. Because I can deal with just friends. Because I love you, and if I don't get that romantically, then cool. I've got a best friend. Anyway... ON TO THE RANT OF SADNESS

Where do I even start. I loved you. No, that's not the best way to say it, because I never stopped. And I don't blame you, at all. I understand why it happened, but god it's killing me that it did. I can't breathe sometimes, it has been almost three days and seriously, I can't eat properly, I can't sleep without mr. panda, I tried, believe me. But dear god I really am like a little kid. I'm a fucking wreck..and I don't blame you. That's the worst part, I have no one to place my anger on. I can't be mad at you because you didn't do anything wrong, and every time I go to be angry with myself all I can hear in my head is you telling me not to, and that makes me cry harder. All I can think about is you and I'm not coping well at all. I'm glad you might be happy though. At least there's that.

I was learning this song on my guitar, it was a really nice song, I was gonna play it for our six month thingy. We had a month to go. I don't know what to do with myself. It's like you're sick, except when I go home, there's no "I love you." waiting. And you're here. You're here and I'm alone, not completely, I mean I have friends. I don't have you though.

You don't know it, but I was really happy. As sad as I could be sometimes, you made me so happy, you made me smile and feel like I could face the day and people and shit because there you'd be, to make it all better. With that gorgeous smile of yours, or a kiss, or even just the promise of seeing you. Everything makes me think of you, no matter what I do. Breathing hurts, so I try to sleep, but then I have nightmares again. Eating makes me feel sick, so even though I've tried, I just don't. Nothing I do is making it hurt less, I just try going through the motions so I don't cry all the time, but even then, I've cried every time I was alone today. My head aches, my entire body feels shaky and it takes everything to keep from sobbing all the time.

There were so many good times for me to remember. Like Halloween. I spent my favorite holiday with you and it was amazing. We were gonna have a nerf war. We were going to be ridiculous together. We were gonna get married. You swore you'd never give up on me, but I don't blame you for doing it because I am SO very frustrating.

I think I might write a little bit every day...just to distract myself. Honestly a very small part of me hopes you'll see this and I'll get some ridiculous happy ending, but that's not how life works is it?
I'm dying alone with my cats
WOO
January 4th, 2013 at 08:52pm