I'm growing up and changing my personality

And I'm doing it for me. Why?

Because I'm was the kind of girl who would let people step all over her. If someone didn't like me, I'd be at their feet, begging for their okay. I let some of what could have been the best moment of my life slip away because I was too shy. Yeah, I am too shy. But I want to change. I want to be like my friend, Abby. She's so confident and doesn't hold back when she needs to speak up. I've let people hit me. And when I say "hit", I legit mean BEAT ON ME. And I've held things in because I never wanted people to see how easily I could break.

I didn't cry when my father died until a long time after. And how did I do it? I put a blanket over my head at night, as soon as I realized everyone was a sleep. And I did that everyday for years. Sometimes I still do it. And it's because I've never felt like going to someone and saying, "I need to let this all out, I can't hold it in anymore." The things that happened to me when I was a little girl, the things that happened to me when I was mistakenly put into a foster home, the things that happened to me in school, I've held it ALL in. And it's made me break down when I'm alone.

And people don't believe that things have happened to me. People think my life is peachy keen and that I'm just this weird girl that never stops smiling. Have you ever stopped to think that perhaps I put on this smile to hide away the pain? I mean, is it normal for a girl to be laughing 24/7 and not feel any pain?

My heart aches sometimes. And other times I get depressed for no reason whatsoever. And when I am, I get angry and I yell at my siblings. And they'll think I'm being rude, but I'm hurting inside and I don't even know why. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I want to scream and shake people sometimes. I don't care if you don't like me. However, don't act like you do and then talk about me behind my back. I hate that, with such a passion. Don't call me pretty if you don't believe it, don't talk to me if you're not in the mood. I don't care, I prefer the truth than a lie. It won't kill me, I promise ya'.

And don't call me the weird girl no one wants to be around. My eyes have widened and I've come to realize that I have so many friends, it's a blessing. I remember when I had just one friend. JUST ONE. And I would cry, wonder why I didn't have any. But my eyes have been opened and I see all the ones I do have. Some of them aren't 100% trustworthy. Other's I'll fight with for a while, but at the end of the day, we'll hug it out because we're like sisters. But the ones who purposely want to hurt me, the ones who want to bring me down, just get out. I don't need you in my life. I have wonderful friends who listen and respect me. Ones who don't want to hurt me and instead, want to build me up. If you think that someone who snaps into a daydream because you're talking about a band you basically killed 24/7 has mental problems, you really need to get your head checked.

If I introduce someone to a band, cool, listen to them, enjoy, have fun. But it doesn't mean I want every conversation we have to be three hours long and only about the band members and everything they've done up until the present time. I don't care. And I hate it when people say I'm not a "true fan" because I don't stalk them and follow them, their wife, and their grandparents on twitter. A true fan is all about the music, they can care less about what goes on behind doors. A true fan listen to the lyrics, not just the music because it's what everyone else is listening to. A real fan doesn't let that music get old or die out.

So don't just judge me, okay? I could care less what people are wearing nowadays or what they listen to. I don't normally listen to the radio because I'm not interested. I love old music. And I'm my own person, not wanting to be a clone of you. If I want to wear black, I'll wear black. But don't call me gothic if I haven't labeled myself that way. Yet, I change, now I wear a lot of color. What? Now I look like a rainbow threw up on me? Okay, well get over yourself and let me dress how I want to. I can do my makeup like I want, a lot of eyeliner, or not so much. I can wear whatever sneakers I want, name brand or not. I can listen to whatever I want to listen to.

I'm changing my personality. This is just a rant and it's obviously not gonna be my new personality. I just want to be more open to things. I want to listen to people who want THE BEST for me more. And I want to live a little. I don't care what you think. If you don't like me....well, suck it.