My ten year old self would be shocked

I hate when people talk to me about thinking about how my ten year old self would view my life now. I mean, yeah I get everyone gets that idea in their head and it fills them with regret, but that’s for others, not me. They expect me to answer with this big explanation on how my younger self would react to me now, but I can’t.

This may not be true for everyone- hell it maybe the furthest thing from the truth for some- but the way I saw it, every other ten year old was HAPPY. They expected great things from their future and expected to be the happiest person alive… when I was ten I was plotting my death. I was so fixated on killing myself or killing others, but I never expected to live long. I literally spent every day planning a new way to die.

If my ten year old self saw me now, they’d be shocked. They’d wonder where I found the will to live so long. They’d be amazed to see that I have people I willingly open up to. They’d be in awe to see that I can once again cry in front of a few people. They’d be amazed that I came out as being a boy instead of a girl. They’d be amazed that I fell in love and someone loved me back. They’d be shocked that I was just happy.

Yes, I’m awkward, I flirt without being aware of it, I’ve made bad choices, I’ve fell into bouts of depression, and I’ve managed to fuck my life up a few times, but I fought through all that shit. My ten year old self would have crumpled into a ball in the corner and try overdosing on pills again. I’m 95% positive if I could meet my ten year old self again, he’d be looking at me like I’m a distant dream that will never come true. He’d ask me how I’d manage to live for so long and would think I lied when I’d told him that I took everything one day at a time and found friends to unknowingly help me survive. He’d scream “LIAR!” when I would tell him that life got easier when I hit sixteen and I slowly became less willing to die.

So I’m sorry to tell the people who ask me if my younger self would be proud of whom I’ve become because I can honestly say, “Yes, my ten year old self would be happy that I fought and survived through the years.”