He doesn't realize what he does to me.

I think about him every single day. I miss talking to him, laying with him, messing with him while he played video games just so he would kiss me. I miss everything about him, I miss that tooth of his that he fucked up when he was a kid. I miss his thick hair and his skinny arms wrapped around me. I miss seeing him smile as soon as he laid eyes on me.

He makes me think back to a time where everything was good. A time where I had all of my sisters and everyone was ok with each other. He brought a calming sense to my life, letting me beat my fists against his chest just so I wouldn't hurt my hand by punching the wall and telling me how wrong people were when they upset me.

Now, all he does is make me sad. He's moved on and doesn't want me anymore because I couldn't handle myself. I had one last chance when my sister passed away and I blew it because I was scared he would go too. I messed it all up and don't know how to fix things so I ran away. I moved states and yet I'm still trying to win him back. I just wish that he still loved me like he used to.

He used to think the sun shone out of my ass and maybe to him it did. I don't know. Now, he knows that I'm a mean girl. He knows that I hurt him the last time just so he wouldn't want me anymore and it worked. I'm a mean girl that he can never love again and it sucks.

I know that I could move on. I have plenty of men around me wanting to treat me like a princess. I don't need that, my sister and mother do that for me already. I need him, I want him and only him and I feel like a brat for saying all this. I want to stamp my foot and pout but it doesn't work on him anymore. Nothing I do does.

I'll always be "that ex" to him. The one who made him wary of girls with bipolar disorder. The one who flipped out all the time, screaming, crying, clawing at my face. He'll never want someone like me and I'm sure it's better for him this way but I wish it wasn't.

I wish he would take me in his arms and kiss me like he used to. I want him to tell me that he never stopped loving me and that he never will.

I hate this :/