When it all happened, I was sixteen. My dad had only died a few months ago. I was still in total shock over that. My home life wasn't great. I was already suffering from severe depression and anxiety. But, like most people who suffer, I kept it all to myself and shared it only with a few people. I was on Mibba at the time, and had a few friends on here.
This was me then:
So, it all started when I started college. I'd not long broken up with my previous boyfriend and an older guy in my college class, we'll call him 'M', started talking to me a lot more. He kept saying how he was going to quit the course and I kept convincing him he should stick it out. Somehow M just managed to draw me in, he seemed interesting and he seemed to find me interesting too.
M was nice at first, flirtatious and funny. Sooo one thing lead to another, I got drunk and we slept together and started dating. Not exactly the most conventional start but hey, whatever.
So the relationship started and it seemed okay at first. But after a month or so, the little criticisms started, the little digs of me hanging around with other people. He'd insult me in public and then pass it off as a joke. When we were out in a group, he'd get pissed off if I paid too much attention to other people. He made me feel like I didn't deserve people being my friends.
Then he started picking fights. Oh, god, the fights. I would be out shopping with Debra (she's crisiscore on here) and he would text me and start talking about something I'd done wrong, or just talking about how he couldn't be in a relationship with me. He was constantly breaking up with me, and then twisting things so it was all my fault and I ended up begging him to take me back. Every time that happened my friends would beg me not to take him back, to stay away from him. You have no idea how much I wish I'd listened. No idea. Debra was there throughout and she warned me so many times but she didn't give up on me. I'm so fucking thankful. I also had two amazing Mibbians, Nick. and Isis who were there for me too and told me some things I needed to hear.
On one occaision I went to see Avenged Sevenfold and Stone Sour. I managed to meet Corey Taylor (lead singer of Stone Sour and Slipknot) and it was so amazing! I was so happy! But when I told M, instead of being happy for me he broke up with me, claiming that I must have cheated on him.
Remembering things like that is surreal. It feels like it can't be real, it must be some part of a nightmare, but it wasn't.
M also constantly flirted with other girls. We'd be in bed together in the middle of the night and he'd pick up his phone and start texting another girl asking if they wanted to meet up for drinks and basically hitting on them while I was right there. I have no idea if this was just innocent flirting, but considering the fact I got accused of cheating on him just by spending time with a guy, it didn't make me feel good. It made me feel shit when he'd text other girls saying he was so bored and needed to see them and have some fun, when I was sitting right next to him.
Not long after that, M started picking fights with me in person too. In the middle of the night when we stayed together, he'd point out something I did wrong and then say he was leaving. This would be at 3/4 in the morning and I'd be sobbing and begging him not to go and he'd tell me things like I was pathetic and why would he want to stay with somebody like me? If I tried and pull him to me to hug him and try and make him change my mind he'd shove me away. Even if I got too close without touching, he'd shove me away. When I stood in the doorway in front of him and said I didn't want him to go, he grabbed me by the shoulders and literally flung me across the room. It's a memory that stays with you, sprawled on the floor staring up at somebody who said they loved you but is looking at you in disgust.
I'm shaking even thinking about it.
This became pretty much how it went. Constant fights, me being told how I had always done something wrong. My friends could all see what was happening- he'd pick fights with me in public and totally humiliate me. Telling me I was a useless piece of shit and nobody would ever want to date me, that I was lucky he 'chose' me.
One day I made the mistake of telling M about my fear of fire due to how I was bullied at school. After that, he had a new way to torture me during arguements.
Say we had an arguement (and I say arguement but really it was just him telling me how much of a piece of shit I was and saying he was leaving while I cried and begged him not to) and I went to take his hand or to put my hand on his arm. Simple, gentle gestures. He'd take his lighter, grab my arm and hold the lighter flame right next to my skin. Not enough to burn, but enough to feel the heat. When the metal around the lighter was warm enough sometimes it'd brush against my skin and it would burn, but if I said anythign he'd either just look at me in disgust or act as if I was making a big deal out of nothing. It didn't even need to be in an arguement. He'd just start giving me the silent treatment and if I reached for him, I got the lighter.
At the time, I didn't even realise how big a deal it was. My mind rationalized it. Do you know how fucked up that is? Even now my mind tells me 'it's not that bad, it's not that big of a deal.' I was made to feel like all of this was my fault and I really believed that.
Then it came to a head during a sleepover with some friends. M was there, Debra was there as well as Craig (my now-boy) and one of the friends I had at the time, we'll call A. So basically everything seemed fine until M started acting like he normally did and talking about how he was going to leave. We got into this fight in the living room (Debra, Craig and A were in my bedroom) and M was grabbing my wrists so hard I couldn't get free and I remember screaming at him to let me go and my friends heard and started freaking the fuck out, as you do. Then I freaked the fuck out and ran away. Out my house. At 3am. In a shitty neighbourhood. In my pj's.
Debra, Craig and A all went mental trying to find me, Debra said she got seriously upset, and the guys were so angry because M said he didn't care and just went to bed. So eventually the other three found me and we talked outside for a really long time and they told me that they and a lot of other people were worried about me. They said they knew M was manipulating me and they were worried about what else was going on.
So I went back to my house, my friends backing me up and said to M he was free to leave once the first bus was available but if he left then we were over for good and I'd never take him back, ever. He agreed, and we all went to sleep and then M left early in the morning. Later I made everyone breakfast (with bruised wrists) and he tried to come back but I told him to fuck off, I meant what I said.
A few days later me and a few college friends went to this bar we normally went to for lunch called the Clutha. There was me, Craig and A again, as well as a guy friend we'll call K and a female friend called L. Sadly, M was there as well and he was really drunk.
I tried to ignore him and just talk to my friends and have a couple drinks, but he continuously came over, tried to physically drag me away or guilt trip me into coming to talk to him in private. He was seriously drunk at this point. He even dragged everyone in the group away one by one to say how he'd been cutting himself because I left him and they had to 'make' me go back to him or he'd kill himself.
It was horrible.
Eventually I figured if I talked to him maybe he'd leave us alone, so I went outside with him but he kept grabbing me again and getting really scary and there was a bit of a struggle and I ended up being flung against the wall and scraping open my arm and side and hip against it and then running back inside. At this point I was starting to really freak out and I thought I was going to have a major anxiety attack. My friends told M to go away because he was just making it worse, but he persisted.
But he kept grabbing at me and trying to make me talk to him, he was getting seriously aggressive and I was getting into a full blown panic attack. At one point he literally had me cornerd, so I ended up screaming at him "If you care so much about me, why are you always hurting me and playing mind-games and fucking with my head? Why do you threaten to burn me or shove me?"
My friends heard this new information and freaked out. The guys were threatening to kick the crap out of him, and so was L. They were holding him back because he was acting really aggresive and at one point tried to actually hit me.
At this point I was curled up in a tiny ball sobbing and hyperventilating and feeling like I was about to die. The memory is etched in my brain forever. The furious look on K's face even as he held M away from me. A desperatly trying to get at M and punch him while he shouted at him. I remember his exact words.
"M, look at what you're doing to her!" He was pretty much screaming this, gesturing at me where I was sobbing. "Look at her!"
At that point I was having such a bad panic attack I blacked out. From what Craig told me and the flashes I remember, K and L had to hold A back because he looked like he was going to slit M's throat, then we got told to leave. I stayed at A's that night because I was a wreck and I couldn't go home like that.
The next few nights, both A and Craig got calls constantly (every few minutes or so) from M up until maybe 3am each night, as well as text messages. Neither of them let me see the messages because they said they were too upsetting but the gist of some of them was that if they didn't 'make' me go back to him, he'd kill himself or he'd find some way to get back at them/us.
I can't even begin to explain how tramautising that was. But as a clue, that relationship left me with PTSD (post tramautic stress disorder) which I was on very strong meds for.
Yes, some people can say it was my fault because I went back to him but that's wrong. When you're in that kind of relationship, you can't see the damage they're doing and you don't realize it's abusive. The first time somebody referred to it as an abusive relationship, I burst into tears. It was hard to hear and still is.
But, I am indeed the survivor of an abusive relationship that I went through at the age of 16. It wasn't an abusive relationship between adults or a married couple or a parent and child, but teenagers. And people need to realize that it does happen in teens and young adults, and psychological damage can be just as bad as physical.
It's been two years and I'm still recovering. But I am no longer weak and I will never again let anybody treat me like that again. If you ever find yourself in the same situation, get yourself out and don't let aybody make you feel worthless because you're not.
Despite what happened, I'm still here. Still fighting. Still smiling.
