Today was hard.

My legs started to hurt after a block of walking my dog, Lola. She is a golden retreiver/collie mix and is the only thing keeping me sane right now since I can't drive and have no life. She has always pulled, but today it was extra hard for me to keep her in good behavior because I feel weaker than usual. I broke down and called my best friend and started crying. I hate crying in front of people because I know it helps when I am strong for them. I don't want them to think I am giving up or anything.
I went to my brother's basketball game and just all day I randomly wanted to start crying. I feel like I am in some weird movie watching everyone live their lives while I just stand around and watch with my baby, Lola, by my side. I feel like I am being video taped and everyone is waiting for everything to officially go wrong. I think I, myself, am watching myself. I just wish God would flash me a big sign telling me which road I should go down with all these options from the doctor's and people. I am standing at a stop sign and don't know which road is the right road, but while I am stopped at the stop sign the clock is still ticking for me and everyone keeps on moving past me. I had never cried in front of Heidi so that is why I could call her. I couldn't call Cameron again. He has seen me cry a couple of times and he knows that I am scared. It scares him and hurts him. Who will be next when I decide to actually break down?
Today cancer won, but hopefully my prayer tonight will change tomorrow. I know God has a plan and I can't change it, but I just wish I could see what was beyond all this, for myself and the people I love.