Life

Sometimes my day can be completely average, yet still be shit.

it was all thanks to my English teacher, really. Before our lessons, she makes us write journal entries, which is normally just fine. I can usually turn the prompt into something sarcastic and write the allotted amount with ease. Today's prompt was to list ten things you would change about yourself. At first I was able to say stupid pointless things that had to do with sleeping more or stop spending so much time on tumblr, but then I got more serious and started listing things I really didn't like about myself...I ended up writing so much more than ten and I went from just tired from the lack of sleep, to more of a different type of tired...a sad kind of tired that pretty much carried on through out the day. And I when this happens I just put on a face and pretend everything is alright because I have a mindset where I don't need to feel this way. My life is in no way shit. it's far from it. I have a lovely mom and a home and I'm going to college next fall and all these great things to look forward to...yet I still just feel void. and I like to blame it on the fact that I had to move my senior year but I've made friends, still visit my old friends when I can, and on the outside everything is perfectly fine, yet it's not. And I hate myself for it because there are so many people with reasons to feel this way but I don't. I don't fret about what's happens to me in the past, so the shitty life I had for a short period of time doesn't phase me anymore. In fact I feel worse now then I did going through the things I did in my earlier teen years. I don't know why I feel his way but it causes me to think irrationally and I overanalyze every single thing someone says to me and if they say it a certain way I take immediate offense and feel worse about myself because the thing I hate the most is not being liked. I hate when I can tell I'm annoying someone or upsetting someone or just being a burden. I hate it so much and it puts a pain in my chest and not the good pain from a good angsty fan fiction I mean literally heartbreak. I hate not being liked so much. And I hate that I'm not a better friend and can't help with everyone's problems an that I'm so shitty with my words and ugh. I hate how even when I try to give advice knowing how hypocritical I sound I hate it so much. hatehatehate. And there's no way I can just flat out tell people this because like I said, I have a decent life right now. I hate sounding like a whiny brat and I feel like that's all I would sound like to people. just a whiny bitch. but I need to get it of my chest you know? and maybe this way works because I can make the font real small and irrelevant and can post knowing not everyone will read it because it isn't important. Who knows, maybe ill feel a little lighter after this. I hope I do. I just needed to vent without letting the whole entire world know, you know even if only for a few hours or until I wake up next, it'll be nice to get something off my chest for once instead of bottling it In like I do for almost every situation in my life. Even if typing this is hard enough and I probably won't even post this Idk. I hope I can be genuinely happy again. and not sit in my room and cry for hours over nothing and everything and lying to my mom when she walks in and telling her I was reading a sad part in a book because god knows I can't tell her anything. She has it hard enough as it is. I'm hoping once I graduate ill feel better again. Hopefully, yeah?

But I gotta stay positive, right?