I've read possibly every 'how-to?' relationship guide there is to know about, and God only knows how many magazine subscriptions I've signed and paid for. It seems now a day that all we see or hear corresponds to who's getting married and whose getting divorced. As a woman in the field of dating, I've often wondered what the basis of a relationship really is and if were necessarily asking the right questions to our future partners before we decide to 'tie-the knot' so to speak.
Using my own experiences in the dating department I can single handedly say the reason most if not all relationships fail;
-Communication; now don’t look at me like your surprised, we all know this is true even if we do sometimes want to deny it. Step one to any healthy relationship is communication. If you cannot hold a conversation with your partner for more than an twenty minutes without getting into a pissing match then there's obviously something wrong- unless of course your into that, then that’s all on you. Take for example, my friend John here, has gone through a whopping number of not 1, not 2, but a prize of 27 girls in the past three years, all because of his failure to communicate with any of his girlfriends.
-Sex: For all those appalled at my 'vulgar' assessment, grow up. We all do it, will continue to do it, and enjoy doing it, so my only suggestion to you is to get your head out of your ass and realize that sex is a natural development in life. In case you have not realized it already, step two to a healthy relationship is sex... And lots of it. If you find your partner telling you “Please dear, not tonight.” there's obviously something wrong. Either A) it's an incentive to you to get a new partner B) his/her way of saying to change things up in the bedroom, or C) your partner may be in a relationship with someone else. If you find yourself not able to fix this situation on your own I highly recommend a sex therapist. Though there methods are at times unmentionable or just plain weird it gives you an ulterior motive for sexy-time with you love one.
-Money: Let's be honest, unless your living in a penthouse, have a highly successful career, or sell drugs as a side job, the possibility of you having a substantial amount of money in the bank is slim to none. Being as downright truthful about your economic situation to your partner is ultimately essential to your relationship. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is simply unrealistic.
Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you. Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies. If you see your spending more money than the partner in your relationship, learn to budget and account your spending, especially if said partner bleeds for one week every month and does not die from it.
-Not Making Your Relationship a Priority: I pin this more on the men on the women. It's almost as if once in a relationship for a certain period of time your behavior toward your loved one changes drastically. My suggestion; do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Make gestures of appreciation, complement each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other. So basically, if you’re going to be an asshole and not treat your partner in the respectful manner you did when starting your relationship, you partner might as well call it quits then and there, because all that follows is angry voicemails, sleeping on the couch and eventually heartbreak.
- Conflict: All relationships have their up's and down's. It's a natural occurrence, so deal with it. However you must learn to choose your fights. Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments directed toward resolution, or are you looking for payback? If you find that most if not all that you say is blaming or hurtful, the best thing to do is take a step back and change your strategy. Another piece of useful information is that if you continue to respond in the same way that has brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, don’t expect a different result the next time. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.
-Trust: Well this is practically a given. I’m not the first to say this, and i certainly will not be the last. If you want your partner to trust you;
~Be consistent.
~Be on time.
~Do what you say you will do.
~Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.
~Be fair, even in an argument.
~Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.
~Call when you say you will.
~Call to say you'll be home late.
`Carry your fair share of the workload.
~Don't overreact when things go wrong.
~Never say things you can't take back.
~Don't dig up old wounds.
~Respect your partner's boundaries.
`Don’t be jealous.
~Be a good listener.
When you’re choosing a partner, do you choose the right questions to ask? Think about it. How many people do you think really get to know a person before they jump right into a relationship. And don't give me that ' we can find out along the way ' bullshit. Half the time they end up being total jerks.
Over the years I've mastered if not perfected questions i generally ask someone I’m interested in before I leap in to their proposal. Those questions being ;
A)Do I feel safe with this person? Am I comfortable expressing my feelings?
B)How does my partner treat other people?
C)Is there something about my boyfriend/girlfriend that I hope to change?
D)Do I still have feelings for my ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend?
E)What do I really want from this relationship?
F)Why do I want to be in this relationship?
G)Do I respect and like my partner?
H)Do the two of us laugh when we’re together? Do I enjoy my time with this person?
They may not be ideal for everyone but I've learned it's what works best for my specifications of the right partner for me.
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