Suicidal Thoughts.

Okay, if you’re reading this, which I doubt that anyone will, then just know that I’m not writing about a song.

I’m writing about me.

One thing nobody knows about me, except for extremely close friends, is that my dad is an alcoholic. He’s not physically abusive or anything horrible like that.

No, he’s so much worse.

He doesn’t care about me. About any of my siblings. He doesn’t love us. He doesn’t even remotely like us. He tries to pretend that he cares, when really he’d rather see us dead. One less person to pay for. More money for him.

I’m sorry. I’m crying. I didn’t mean to.

All I want from him is some kind of approval. Some kind of love. But he doesn’t love me, and he never will.

No one will.

How can anyone love someone whose own father doesn’t even care for them?

I’ve tried everything I could to make him proud of me. I done everything that I could as a young child to gain his attention and approval, but it all goes to waste.

Then I met him, and I finally felt like I wasn’t just that someone who will end up alone. But he broke my heart, and I realize that I truly am worthless.

No matter how I try to comfort myself, nothing works. I’m just pitiful with how I try to make people like me. But who could ever like me?

I’ve never thought about suicide before now. It’s not because of him. It’s because of my dad.

If he just loved me then I’d be okay. If he just cared then I’d be fine.

He doesn’t. He never will. And I can’t keep trying. It’s too much energy, and I’m running out of hope.

No one will even listen to how I feel. All of my family hates him and won’t hear of anything I have to say about him. None of my friends understands, and the one person I thought would, will barely even talk to me now. I have no one to go to with this problem.

I don’t want to take my life. At least not yet.

I just wish that he cared about what happened to me. I just wish he’d stop dragging me into all of his problems. I just want a dad. A real one. Not the one that I have right now.

Please, whoever reads this, say that you understand and that you’re okay.