I Hate Myself. A Lot.

I hate myself. A lot.

I look at my hips, butt, and thighs. I hate the way I curve. My ass seems droopy; my thighs are bulbous. My hips are wide too, making me look disproportionate. I move to my stomach. When I had a lack of nutrition, I looked great. I looked thinner, more muscular, and fit. Now I look fat, uncaring and lumpy. My shoulders are too broad to be feminine, but to narrow to put me into proportion. I feel like a lumpy pare. I've got such white skin, that every ounce of my body hair shows up on it. Which means that every pimple, blackhead, red mark shows up too. Pimples grow like wild weeds everywhere, no matter how much I dry, clean and care for my skin. It is too dry, never smooth. I am pale, tan, beige, yellow, and red, never one solid shade of anything. I am not comfortable being naked in front of myself, let alone others.

My eyebrows are very bushy, thick and manly; my lips are always dry and cracked. My nose flakes and drys up, yet is oily, even when I brush up against it. I don't drink soda, which normally causes that, and I stopped drinking it for that reason. My boobs are ugly too. Small, UN-touching, unflattering lumps sagging well past my age. The nipples are bigger than they should be and make my breasts look deformed. Tubular, dull paper weights.

My smile is gaped right in the front, and very uneven due to an underdeveloped mouth and throat. My upper lip sags over my teeth so whatever brightness they might have had is lost. My nose is small, and hard to breathe through.

Physically, I feel unlovable.

My mentality is very selfish. I want to control those around me because I lacked control as a child. I was robbed of my childhood by a junkie-whore I had to call "mom", and I am so resentful of it. I just want to control everybody and everything in my life so bad. I'm bossy, arrogant and selfish. I want everything, and demand attention from others. I become so needy that I drive others away.

I get very possessive and greedy. I can't control my ego-centrism, and I can't stand being unknown. I am a total attention whore, if not a real whore. I am a liar, a manipulator, a cheater and a racist. I laugh at racism because it takes away the pain of who I really am, and places it on someone else for a while.

I have smoked, tobacco and weed, Drank alcohol, and let boys degrade me. I am every ounce the woman my mother was.

I hate her. I HATE ME.

And, somehow, impossibly, he still loves me for who I am.