Dear Sir,
Hello, sir. How are you today? I know that I have already written to you once, but I find myself asking questions that I need to let out.
Was it her? Did you break up with me because of her? Don't lie to me and say you didn't. You called her just days after breaking up with me.
I thought you were over her. You told me you were. Were you lying to me, sir? Just like him.
Are you all like him, sir? Liars? Manipulaters? Unable to love me?
You said it wasn't anything I did. You said it was your decision, and your decision alone. That you hadn't developed any feelings for me. But I just don't buy that anymore. Not after you admitted to calling her.
I was just your toy, wasn't I? Just something to keep you entertained until she was ready to take you back.
Why would you let someone like that back into your life? Someone who hurt you over and over again. Someone who will only hurt you again.
Just come out and tell me what I did wrong. Was I not pretty enough? Sure, I'm not a model like her, but I can be pretty. Was I not sweet enough? Sure, I'm not the kindest thing, but I try. Was I too selfish? Was I too clingy? Was I demanding too much? What did I do?
Does your family not like me? Was that the problem? I know that you said that your dad didn't want you to date, and that your mom gave you a nasty look when you asked if she wanted to talk to me. I tried getting along with them, though, tried getting along with your brother and sisters. I wanted to make a good impression without losing myself. Was that the problem? Was myself just someone they didn't want you socializing with?
I just want you to know that I cared about you. That I felt that spark. I thought you were so sweet. My mom and sister adored you. They all thought that you were perfect until you did what you did.
I don't want you to see my tears. You don't deserve them anymore. Yet I find myself still crying over what was.
I know in my former letter I said I was over you. But I'm not. I still cry whenever I think about that time that you kissed my forehead, right by the front door when no one was around. I only told our dear friend. I was scared of what the others would say.
I used to annoy all my friends with the way I talked about you. I'd go on and on about how sweet I thought you were. I'd tell them about what you told me, told them about the sweet little notes that you'd write.
If you don't be honest and tell me what I did wrong then I'm afraid of what will happen to me. Right now I've been so hard on myself. I used to say that he was my biggest bully. You knew him, and you'd get so worked up when I mentioned how he hurt me. But no one hurts me like I do. I just need you to save me and tell me. Be brutal. Be harsh.
I wish everyone would just come clean and tell me what they hate about me. You're all so confused. You think I want to hear the compliments, that those are what will keep me going. It's really the truth, the brutalness of knowing that I'm ugly and mean and that no one could ever love me.
Everyone tells me that it's your loss for dumping me. But is it really? I feel like I'm losing more than you are.
I'm getting closer to that edge. I can almost touch it. I've never been so close to it, sir, and that scares me. I know what will happen when I reach it, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for that. How would I do it? I'm too much of a chicken to think about it. I'd do it so quick. You'd never see it coming. I'd hug you and kiss your cheek and tell you thank you for caring for me. I'd hug her, too, and thank her for listening to me for all this time. I'd e-mail her, telling her all the things that I loved about her. I'd hug those two, the twins in my eyes, and thank them for all the laughs. I'd tell her to be strong, because no one can hurt such a beautiful flower. I'd tell her that she's perfect, and that no matter what, she's my BFF. He'd be a bit harder to face. After all the years, after taking care of me for so long, I don't think I could look him in the eyes and still go through with it. I'd savor him last. The only guy who could ever come close to loving me. I'd tell him to hide the tears, because you'll all need him to be strong. I'd send it in a text. My family would be harder. I'd hug her, though, so tight, and tell her how much I loved her, and how I would never let anything hurt her. No matter what happens to me, nothing will hurt her. I'd kiss my mom's cheek. The rest would just wait for a letter. The news article.
I'm sorry for going there. I shouldn't have put the fear in your head. You're not stupid. You know what I'm talking about, don't ya, sir? You know what might be going through my head right now, but nothing you can do will change where I'm headed. It's too close right now.
I wish someone could convince me that I'll be alright. That everything's just a phase and that you really care about me.
Thanks for the memories, sir. I'll treasure them forever. Maybe in the next life we'll meet again and you can tell me how silly I was. We'll be best friends, just like we were. You'll care.
Was it her? Did you break up with me because of her? Don't lie to me and say you didn't. You called her just days after breaking up with me.
I thought you were over her. You told me you were. Were you lying to me, sir? Just like him.
Are you all like him, sir? Liars? Manipulaters? Unable to love me?
You said it wasn't anything I did. You said it was your decision, and your decision alone. That you hadn't developed any feelings for me. But I just don't buy that anymore. Not after you admitted to calling her.
I was just your toy, wasn't I? Just something to keep you entertained until she was ready to take you back.
Why would you let someone like that back into your life? Someone who hurt you over and over again. Someone who will only hurt you again.
Just come out and tell me what I did wrong. Was I not pretty enough? Sure, I'm not a model like her, but I can be pretty. Was I not sweet enough? Sure, I'm not the kindest thing, but I try. Was I too selfish? Was I too clingy? Was I demanding too much? What did I do?
Does your family not like me? Was that the problem? I know that you said that your dad didn't want you to date, and that your mom gave you a nasty look when you asked if she wanted to talk to me. I tried getting along with them, though, tried getting along with your brother and sisters. I wanted to make a good impression without losing myself. Was that the problem? Was myself just someone they didn't want you socializing with?
I just want you to know that I cared about you. That I felt that spark. I thought you were so sweet. My mom and sister adored you. They all thought that you were perfect until you did what you did.
I don't want you to see my tears. You don't deserve them anymore. Yet I find myself still crying over what was.
I know in my former letter I said I was over you. But I'm not. I still cry whenever I think about that time that you kissed my forehead, right by the front door when no one was around. I only told our dear friend. I was scared of what the others would say.
I used to annoy all my friends with the way I talked about you. I'd go on and on about how sweet I thought you were. I'd tell them about what you told me, told them about the sweet little notes that you'd write.
If you don't be honest and tell me what I did wrong then I'm afraid of what will happen to me. Right now I've been so hard on myself. I used to say that he was my biggest bully. You knew him, and you'd get so worked up when I mentioned how he hurt me. But no one hurts me like I do. I just need you to save me and tell me. Be brutal. Be harsh.
I wish everyone would just come clean and tell me what they hate about me. You're all so confused. You think I want to hear the compliments, that those are what will keep me going. It's really the truth, the brutalness of knowing that I'm ugly and mean and that no one could ever love me.
Everyone tells me that it's your loss for dumping me. But is it really? I feel like I'm losing more than you are.
I'm getting closer to that edge. I can almost touch it. I've never been so close to it, sir, and that scares me. I know what will happen when I reach it, and I'm not sure that I'm ready for that. How would I do it? I'm too much of a chicken to think about it. I'd do it so quick. You'd never see it coming. I'd hug you and kiss your cheek and tell you thank you for caring for me. I'd hug her, too, and thank her for listening to me for all this time. I'd e-mail her, telling her all the things that I loved about her. I'd hug those two, the twins in my eyes, and thank them for all the laughs. I'd tell her to be strong, because no one can hurt such a beautiful flower. I'd tell her that she's perfect, and that no matter what, she's my BFF. He'd be a bit harder to face. After all the years, after taking care of me for so long, I don't think I could look him in the eyes and still go through with it. I'd savor him last. The only guy who could ever come close to loving me. I'd tell him to hide the tears, because you'll all need him to be strong. I'd send it in a text. My family would be harder. I'd hug her, though, so tight, and tell her how much I loved her, and how I would never let anything hurt her. No matter what happens to me, nothing will hurt her. I'd kiss my mom's cheek. The rest would just wait for a letter. The news article.
I'm sorry for going there. I shouldn't have put the fear in your head. You're not stupid. You know what I'm talking about, don't ya, sir? You know what might be going through my head right now, but nothing you can do will change where I'm headed. It's too close right now.
I wish someone could convince me that I'll be alright. That everything's just a phase and that you really care about me.
Thanks for the memories, sir. I'll treasure them forever. Maybe in the next life we'll meet again and you can tell me how silly I was. We'll be best friends, just like we were. You'll care.
Love,
Aly-Neko
Aly-Neko