I have this power--some might consider it quite awesome. I can pretty much become invisible in a room full of people. Literally, this is totally true.
Last night my house held a birthday party for me and one of my roommates. Of course, all of my friends were either working or not in town and couldn't make it. So my birthday party was a bunch of people I didn't know. But even though I knew no one except for my roommates, I sat in the room full of people drinking my tea and being totally available for anyone to talk to.
The only problem is that no one talked to me. I sat there for an hour and a half silent before someone, one of my roommates, asked if I wanted to play a game. The first word I uttered the whole night was in reply to her, "sure."
And I know most of you are thinking that I was sitting in the back corner, that I was looking and acting anti-social. I wish this were true, because then I would have an excuse. But sadly, this is far from the truth. For most of those 1.5 hours, I was walking around. I tried bumping into people just so they'd notice me. I would stand next to groups talking, trying my hardest to find a place to jump in at. For another part of the party I sat down in a chair. The chair was located at the table in which two conversations were already going on. No one said one thing to me. There was no 'happy birthday,' no 'how are you,' not even a simple introduction since I didn't even know these people. Nothing.
Like I said, I have this invisibility power. At least that's how I like to see it. My mom says I just have this 'fuck off' aura. That I literally walk around untouchable. I mean, that's pretty cool too I guess. But whatever it is makes for pretty boring parties. I mean, I just sat there and drank my tea. I sort of listened onto other people’s conversations, but only to a certain extent. For the most part, I was just thinking about how stupid I must look; in my own house, at my own party, and I'm alone. How more pathetic could I get?
What really gets to me is that I try to be outgoing. I really do! As stated before I really did try to join in on conversations, to make someone notice me. But it obviously didn't work. And that may be what's hardest for me to grasp. It doesn't matter what I do, or how I act, I can't force myself to fit in with these people. I wish I could say I was shy, I wish I could tell you that I stutter or that I shake when talking to strangers. But truth be told, I'm not. I can hold a two hour long conversation with someone I do not know easily, and I've done it before. The only difference is that we have something in common to talk about. The other difference is that these people are usually in their 30's if not older.
Seriously though. Toss me in a room full of 30 year olds and I can talk to them, impress them with my life story, and tell them jokes. I can hold pretty much any type of conversation with any adult over the age of 25. Toss me in a room full of 22 year olds (or younger) and I can't stop my brain from thinking 'my god these people are idiots.' It's been like this my whole life. I've always been able to talk to adults easier than people my own age. Which is perfectly fine, and I'm not alone in being the type who is like that. But it makes for hard birthday parties, or really any type of social gathering.
For those of you out there who are shy, antisocial, hate people, only communicate with a certain gender/age group, I totally understand. I get that it's not a choice, that in someways it hurts more than anything else. There really isn't anything great to say about having a birthday party that not only are none of your friends at, but that no one wishes you happy birthday at. It's hurtful, it's boring, it's a waste of time.
But don't worry, that's why we're all writers.
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