Commotion Put Into Words

Tonight I got an overwhelming urge to write. To just sit down and write every word, every thought, every anger out until I feel better. There's so much going on in life, in school and in my head. Yet, there don't seem to be enough words to describe all the commotion. But with what words I do have, I will try to piece together those thoughts into this blog.

Lets start with life: There's a lot that's happening right now with my parent's health that's scary. My dad had hip replacement about a year ago due to some leg pain he was having. It was supposed to fix it and make him "feel like a new man" according to the doctors. Now, he's worse than before. It was a failure of a surgery and he now has to walk with a cane. It's so heartbreaking to see my daddy in such pain and so limited in what he does now.
My mom has been having leg pain as well, although different from what dad's was. The doctors can't tell her what's causing it nor what to do to treat it. She is in constant pain and that too, breaks my heart.

School: this is sorta a positive thing. I applied to Tusculum College, which is my dream school, to study criminal justice. Tuition is ridiculous and we were worried we couldn't be able to swing it. However, last Thursday we got news I get my full tuition paid for, with a little money left over. I was so excited! It made me a little sad though, to realize how fast I am growing up. Things are changing rapidly and drastically and it feels like just yesterday I was 6 years old. It's very exciting, yet at the same time it's scary.

The thoughts in my head are probably the hardest to explain. There's things going on in there that I've been avoiding, things I don't want to avoid, and some that are avoiding me. I've been faced with the question within myself of "am I happy?" Can I honestly say that where I am and where I'm headed in life is where I want to be? And are the people on this journey with me the ones I really need to travel with? Truth is, I don't know. I'm happy in my faith and my relationship with God. That offers me strength and guidance. That aspect I'm perfect with, and in all the spiritual and faith sense, I am happy. So, therefore I would assume that every other aspect of life would be filled with the same happiness. And although I don't feel as though I'm lacking anything, because with God I have everything, there is a part of me that longs for something I can't quite understand yet. Maybe it's a longing to have someone in my life. I've lost an understanding for some people. I'm no longer sure about some. And I realized tonight, I never really have been sure. And maybe that's what I long for; not to have someone, but to simply be sure about someone, or something.