More thoughts

I watch movies, I listen to songs, I read books and deep inside, I think one of the most important reasons I do so is because I yearn for those lives and those stories, I want to become a part of them, I want to experience them and I want a story of my own. I want to experience new things, see new places and meet new people. “The best teacher is experience” I want to challenge myself and I want to see what more there is to life. But knowing that I don’t have the sources, the chance or the courage to do so, for at least now, I feel really sad. I go to school everyday but sometimes I think, for what? What good will it do for me, eventually? I want to get away. I really have the urge to jump on a train, a plane or a car and drive, drive, drive. I crave freedom. Real freedom. The life I live is something I am thankful for, it is, but I desire so many things. I fear I will never be able to live the life I want to. I really fear not being able to travel and experience what there is out there. I know life isn’t a movie or a book and I know it won’t be as I expect it to be or dream of it to be in my head but that’s okay. That’s what I want, to live what I never thought I would. . I want to see more, I want to know more and not own anything more but become a part of it. So many limited and drowning people around me. I am not one of them and I don’t want to become one of them. I want the freedom they know nothing of and i’m in love with the beauty all around which they never see. I want to meet strangers and I want to trust them. I want to stop looking back and throw my head back and enjoy the view.
I yearn for the lover who will take me beyond and turn me into something more than I could ever be. I need the lover who will die for me and live with me. I want to feel the loving of someone, I want my body to give off sparks and burn out into the summer night sky. I want my blood hot, my heart cold and my mind open. I don’t want black sadness, I want beautiful sadness and extraordinary madness. I want to be with unusual people, with my friends and I want to be young forever. I want to be drunk, high. I want to be sick but I always want to be good, alive. My scars, my damages will be covered with dark blue paint and stars will land on them. I will be better. I have hope, I always have hope.

I believe in peace. I believe in the sunrise. I believe in the night. I want to get lost in beauty and madness because it is where I come from and where I will be going someday, I know for sure.

People need to lose what they have, to find what they have been seeking. I don’t want to be a product, I want to be a piece of art. I’m scared, I’m terrifed but I want to leave every bit of fear that I keep inside me. I want my lion heart to take over me and make love to my soul so that I can get away. From everything. I am selfish. I know I am made for more, for better. I don’t like what is around me because I know there is something more, something much more, much more wonderful out there and I have to become a part of it. Let the words come to me and let me write long stories with people lost inside them, let me write poems with people finding themselves inside them.
I want simplicity in my mind because I am so tired. I need something better. I need that something to bring me to life, whatever it is. I’m waiting for it. I’m waiting for what life has for me. I’m ready for it. I am.
February 2nd, 2013 at 07:04pm