Hey everyone, lately my parents and people at college want to know why I'm so angry and shit and why I doubt myself a lot and hate pretty much everything I do. Also you guys don't know much about me apart from my recent blogs that I'm still not over the death of my nan so in this blog I'm going to answer questions of why I've turned out like I have.
1) Why I'm angry? - Because I'm constantly being yelled at by parents, having to deal with my idiot class mates. Also having to try and make everyone happy and if I dare let someone down I might as well get shot in the head cause they're so important but everyone can happily let me down because hey its just me i'm not that important i'm such a push over.
2) Why I had issues with men? - My first boyfriend cheated on me and hated how I was too scared to kiss him. The first guy I ever kissed (i was 15 btw) took me for granted and stood me up all the time and gave me shit excuses like 'i was down town and forgot about you' then the next few got worse one guy kept saying to his mates that we did all this sexual stuff when all I did was kiss him. The guy after that wanted to cheat on me and most likely was with someone that was supposed to be my 'friend' but she fucked him the day after we broke up. The guy I lost my virginity to cheated on me and when my nan died he bought her into a fight me and him were having and that VERY much pissed me off. Then this guy I thought we were going to get together only wanted me for one thing but he told me he didn't want to upset me by making me feel cheap. Still I'm glad he told me so I wouldn't end up having more heart break to deal with since he helped me a bit with my nan's death. I took a long year off dating and now I've met Reuben who is the greatest guy I've ever dated and who actually cares about me I can't imagine not being with him.
3) Why I got depressed and wanted to kill myself? - Because since I was 7 I've been bullied non stop until I left school a year ago. I got shouted at that I had plastic surgery on my face and it went wrong and that's why i'm so ugly. Someone went through my bag and found tampons and got bullied for something which is natural. I got sexually harassed and I wasn't able to do anything about it since the head teacher at my school hated me and loved Ashley cause he's a smart student and i'm the stupid one so he'd take his side to mine. I got bullied by my 2nd form because I moved into their form class as I was getting bullied by my first form room and had no friends with me. My mum moans all the time and won't stop until she gets her way, if I try to stand up for myself she'd tell me off and say she doesn't want to look at me then my dad will yell at me for making her upset yet i'm the one crying in my room. Day in and out I would be bullied and told that I was fat and ugly and stupid oh and a whore cause i was friends with guys; even total strangers would find it funny to pick on me until I had an panic attack and started to have trouble breathing. Seeing the reaction I got for people thinking I was going to die I started to think about just ending it all I would finally be away from everyone that hated me and I could be left alone in peace plus who the fuck would care and miss me if i died? One day my parents asked me to get them a drink so I went to the back room and looked in the medical cubboard and saw the amount of pain killers we had and I thought about overdosing on them. Then I thought about taking about my razors and cutting my veins in my wrist. I shouted it out to someone and my mate Georgia shouted at me and cried when she found out about these thoughts I was having. She doesn't know that she was the person that saved my life.
4) Why I was scared to change for gym? - I was told that I was a fat ugly whore, I was called ugly betty, people played fattie fattie boom boom at me and laughed. I wasn't a twig like everyone else was. I didn't want to change in front of them cause I feared they'd all laugh at me of how fat I was plus I was fat and hung around all skinny girls that could eat shit and stay skinny and I'm the one trying to loose weight by taking in salads and shit. Soon I was so fed up with everyone I started to make myself sick by shoving my fingers down my throat a few nights until I got the flu and stopped eating all together then once I was better and I started to eat again but much much less then I did.
5) Why I hate the snow - Because people would chuck snow/ice balls at the back of my head, at my face and aim for my nose (which had some big issues with but its all fixed now) then when the snow and ice melted they'd chuck dirt and stones at me.
6) Why I never bothered with my hair and make up? - When I bothered to try and do my hair nicely people would laugh and say I looked stupid, someone once tried to burn my hair and someone else (still don't know to this day) put gum in my hair and no one bothered to tell me about it until lunch at which point I pulled out a big chuck of my hair to grab it. I'd never put make up on since it would be just another thing for them to laugh at me for.
That's what happened and there are peoples questions answered so next time you decided to bully just think about how good you'd feel if the next time you see your victim would be at their gravestone.
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