Issues

I'm going to lose my mind here. I need a job so that I can fucking move out of here. It'll be a year in May that I've been living with my sister and while it has it's benefits it only gets worse by each passing second.

Before today I thought that my mother and I were close. We certainly used to be, but it's been made clear to me that my mother and I aren't. I'm starting to wonder if we ever really were. She's always telling me how much of a big heart that I have and how sweet I was as a child. Now that I'm an adult she says I'm turning into my sister and she doesn't like it.

My sister, she's amazing. Sure she has a bit more of a harsh attitude, but she tells people like it is. If it hurts your feelings that's on you basically. She's not one to sugar coat her feelings. My mom is the same way. I, on the other hand, wish that I could do that. I'm always trying to spare feelings to keep from hurting others. For years I've just sat around being the good girl and never said a word. Now I just blow up because I don't ever vent my frustrations to her.

I spent my graduation and scholarship money on helping her pay fucking bills before I went away to college. Money that I needed and rightfully earned. Instead of starting a bank account and saving money I helped her. It was my decision, but I felt that it was the right thing to do. Months later my money went to waste because my mother lost the house. Not her house, by the way, my sisters. The house was in her name. It fucked up her credit. So there we were, my sister and I, cleaning up my mother's mess.

My mom doesn't take responsibility for her actions. My sister is usually the one cleaning them up for her. That's on reason why I'm trying my best to get myself out of here into my own place. She's the one who bailed me when I needed a private loan for a summer session at my university. It was my fault that my grades went to shit and I accept that. My mom on the other hand gets defensive and can't handle when things are brought to light.

A few months ago I tried to tell her about the time she used the money she gave me to buy some sheetrock so she could fix up my grandmother's house. I was all for the idea of getting it fixed up since the ceiling in my old bedroom, my mother's room, and the laundry room had collapsed. The place was infested with insects, squirrels, racoons, and God knows what else. I just didn't think that she'd use the money that she had given to me from her retirement. I had only spent about $1000 of the $5000 that she had given me on books and clothes. I wanted to get myself a new mp3 player one day and my sister was executor of my money since I didn't have an account yet. I called her about using the money to buy a new one and she told me all I had left was about $75 to buy a used Zune not the iPod Touch that I was wanting.

My mom went behind my back and used the remainder of my money. So once I again I get the short end of the stick. When I told her it upset me that she didn't say anything to me about it. She got upset saying that she's always the villain. I'm always bringing up old shit to her that doesn't need to be brought up. Quite frankly, that was almost three years ago, but I just learned a few months that she lied to my sister to get the money.

I don't believe she's a villian. I just think that she's just a lying bitch sometimes. I love my mom, but it's just that she does so much shit to everyone else and she sees nothing wrong with it. She's bumming cigarettes from neighbors (my sister's friends) and causing tension with them. She's constantly nitpicking with me over stupid shit and yet she's not the problem. She's always saying she's going to move out and yet when I say they'll miss me when I'm gone she's the first to act like she's hurt. She doesn't want to let me go. She's always telling me how happy she is that I'm here, but I don't want to be. I'm tired of being around her because with her around it's just so hard. She mentioned to me about sharing an apartment with her, but she wants me to live by her rules. She won't let me have a life. I wouldn't be able to date or do anything I want to. I'd be under her control.

She's basically making me live her life as of now. When she was my age she had my sister and my grandparents to care for. For her it was a choice. She had the option to get her own place and do her own thing. But out of respect and love, as she puts it, she stayed. Now she's forcing me into it. I'm the one that has to stay in the hospital with her when she has surgeries. I'm the one that has to constantly watch her when she's taken her medication to make sure that she doesn't hurt herself. I have to sacrifice my fucking happiness and sanity for her.

Hell, her fucking psychiatrist had to tell her to leave my grandmother so she could be sane. I know that she and I can't be in the same room for more than a few minutes without us getting into it. I don't know what's wrong, but I know somethings not right. For the past few weeks I've been getting angry at the smallest things. My mom thinks I'm suicidal, but I'm not. I'm more homicidal than anything and it scares me. I shouldn't be this way. I can't talk to her because every time I do she tries to fix it or gets angry. I can't talk to my sister because she's always so busy.

Maybe I'm just fucking stir crazy since I never really leave the house. I don't know. I just know that I need some help and I don't know where to start.