A Letter I Can't Let You Read

Mon petit gâteau peu,

You are freaking amazing. *giant bone-crushing Ems hug* You've changed my world. I honestly don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met you.

Remember that? The first time I ever saw you was when I was in 6th grade. I was 11, you were 12. I was on recess, and you were with your family picking out dresses for the Purity Banquet. My mom was like, "Hey, there's a girl here your age! You should go say hi to her." But what did mom know? I'm incredibly awkward with stuff like that. So when you guys came in the room, I just kind of waved and smiled and then escaped out the door.

I remember thinking, Wow, she has gigantic eyes. And your hair was in two pigtails. It was cute. All straight and blonde, hair that I was jealous of. I think you were wearing a blue shirt, a jean skirt, and black boots. But we both know my memory is crap.

We never hung out until camp, 2010. That's the year we don't have any pictures from, except the one I have in the back of my diary. We were such nerds back then. I was still awkward and you were shy, but somehow we managed to connect.

I don't remember much about that year. I remember playing Mash in the dorm lobby and teasing you when you got Cameron. At that time, I thought you liked him, and I love teasing people about their crushes. I was like, "Oooh, you should show it to him!" and what really shocked me was when you said, "I will! He'll probably laugh." I was like, Goodness, she has guts.

Then I remember sitting on your bunk eating sour punch straws, and Sam was across from us, and we were all talking about how weird David was. And we gave each other "looks" when Sam started going all gushy about him.

I remember the last day, when David was hopping all around, being loud and annoying the snot out of everyone---or wait, I could be confusing that with another year. He never changes, does he?

After that week, everything is a blur. We chatted on facebook, I gave you my email when I got it taken away, and that started the Yahoo period of our friendship. Daang. I still think that was the best part. Loooong conversations with colorful fonts and flavorful emoticons...That was when the three of us, me you and him, really hit it off. Three-way this, three-way that.

Remember when you told me about Lucy? How you made it all hypothetical, and I got super into it until I realized you were just politely breaking it to me that She liked Him? My Him? Did you know that email is in my Save folder? Crazy, right? It's called "The Plot Thickens". Do you remember me naming it that?

Camp 2011, now. We were chikas now. I probably annoyed you because of it, but we did everything together. Remember Dutch Blitz with Miss Sapphira? Staying up till two and three a.m. playing mash and whispering until our heads got so heavy that we couldn't resist the pillow any longer? When Kenzy told you she'd let you wear her "princess gown" to bed, and it looked like a witch's costume? And she was all, "My mom would SO kill you if she saw you wearing makeup."

Remember how David used to sit at the well and call for us? It was annoying at the time, but I secretly thought it was awesome. Then we'd be walking to the swimming pool, and he'd yell at us from the canoes. How awkward! And you'd do that "thing" with your eyes and he'd get all weirded out. I thought that was hilarious.

And then came all the awkwardness, because he liked you and you didn't like him back. The first time he told me, he made me SWEAR not to tell you. Even bribed me with Mountain Dew Voltage and a bag of hot fries. But I think you figured it out for yourself.

But he accepted your answer, or pretended to, and left us alone for a while. This was when I started getting angry at him for ignoring us, and you were always having to break up our fights. 'Anna, the Peacemaker,' we would joke. But in all seriousness, thank you for putting me in my place. For reminding me how important friendship is.

I quit our group for a few months. I didn't want to deal with everything anymore. During these months, I wrote "Best Friend." And then in July, David and I finally put our past behind us. It's all thanks to you, really, for showing us that photo of our separate conversations to you. It was brave, and I bet you were slightly worried one of us would flare up at you for it. But I'm so glad you did it.

This year, camp was very different. We'd all grown up in our own ways, but we stuck together sort of by default. We were the "in" clique. Everyone else was new, but we had stories. Memories. I'm sure we were envied for that.

It was fun, though. We met for coffee each morning in the canteen, and in the afternoons we'd try to get together for Dutch Blitz. The schedule was casual and laid-back, and there weren't any hardcore competitions like there used to be.

I don't know why, but I wasn't much for singing this year. I guess I'm still insecure about my voice. But you didn't mind leaving the stage crowd to chill in the props room with me. I don't know what my problem was that day, but you made me feel better.

I'm sorry for getting mad those last two nights. I thought you were annoyed that we were together so often, and so I tried to back off. I did my own thing. I beat all the guys at Knockout on an adrenaline rush and then crashed, and David sat out of volleyball for me. I could tell that bothered you, but you didn't say anything and neither did I.

That night, all the girls stayed up in our cabin, and I learned that you did like David. And that you'd hidden it from me for so long. You laughed like it was nothing, and the other girls talked about how cute he was. I laughed and joked around too, but in truth I felt empty. I felt like you'd broken my trust.

And the next night, we unpacked all our glowsticks only to find out there was no hayride; we were playing volleyball again. Oh well. I gave a few away and strung some around my hoodie, and I didn't see you much after that. To be honest, I didn't want to. I joined the volleyball game and left you on the court, and the rest of the night I spent drawing my name in the sand with my toes, chasing the ball into the bushes, and despite the distractions, having a pretty soulful conversation with David.

I liked that night. I liked it because I felt wanted. Usually, when the three of us are together, I feel as if I'm only there as a middleman, a way of communicating the unobvious between you and David. I didn't feel as if I amounted to much in the long run, and I wanted to test that. When he tied on the glowstick I gave him and listened to my honest thoughts, I felt special. He paid attention to me more than he ever had before that night.

And I'm sorry that I was happy you weren't there.

The last day was busy. Brunch was quick, and packing seemed to take forever. And then we had to clean up the dorms, and while we were doing so, David's family left. I started freaking out--I don't know if you could tell or not--but I was scared we hadn't gotten to say goodbye. We had planned on McDonalds, but I wasn't sure if those plans had reached his parents.

You seemed so calm. It wasn't until halfway there that our plans were confirmed. We were free to enjoy ourselves at the banana-shaped bar we sat at our first year, and as always, the time flew by. When it came time to say our farewells, David hugged me. I was too surprised to react, so I hardly had a second to hug back before we pulled away. I think his parents saw.

And he went to hug you also, but you were nervous, and it turned into only a sideways half-hug. He was happy enough with that, though. He told me later he wished I had taken a picture.

Life moved on. My rally came along, and we arranged for David and his brother to come. I was there early, as I always am, and I was so nervous waiting for you guys. Everyone else was arriving, and it was almost time to eat, and you both still weren't here.

David got here first, and I was already outside to greet him. I'm pretty sure the first thing he said was "Can you hold my tie please?" and my reply was "Dude, this doesn't match at all." And then we started arguing like good friends do, and I smiled at people who passed us by and gave me odd glances for draping the tie around my own neck.

And then he left for the guys' wing, and I waited for you. Your van arrived just in time to eat, but I was too jittery to have an appetite. Instead, you talked with the Sanchez girls while I pranced around greeting people I knew and awkwardly grinning at those I didn't. I knew most everyone, though.

At the rec center we all opened the Monster drinks David had brought us, and I dissolved into my competitive basketball mode. I feel bad for forgetting about you, but I was adrenalized and I wanted to use my energy to its best abilities. I was a little surprised David hung around instead of going off on his own, and that made me kinda happy.

I expected him to stay with you, but you're like me in the way you like to remain independent. You wouldn't have asked for him to, and he wouldn't have pushed you.

Who was I tossing the football with in the parking lot, as we were leaving? It wasn't Matt, right? I don't even remember. Back at the church, the real fun started. While everyone else snacked or got ready for bed, we played Dutch Blitz in the dining hall till 1am. I'm sure that was the happiest Bro. Shawn has ever seen me.

After the Christmas caroling mattress episode, I think we calmed down a bit. Or were forced to. But that didn't stop you and I from staying up all night. Ugh, how I regret doing that. For two things: the physical exhaustion, and my confession.

Yup, I liked him. Or like. But I assured you it was you I was rooting for, and that I always knew you'd work out, and I was happy for you, and things would be fine, I'd just distract myself with Talis and my other petty crushes until I could get over him. I knew I'd made a mistake as soon as I admitted it to you. You were quiet--too quiet.

And even now, I regret it. Because I know I could've kept it a secret until I got over him. I'd done it for so long, and it was one little mistake, that embarrassed smile during my Mash game when you told me to write down the boy on my mind, that changed everything.

It didn't matter that I had been totally honest. I'm sure you still saw me as competition, and from then on, we were both wary of each other. A few weeks passed, and we didn't talk much. When we finally did again, it was because I convinced you I was fine that you and David were "dating." Or whatever it was. I smiled and encouraged you and did my best to erase the truth I'd let slip at my rally.

But recently, I fell apart. And I suddenly couldn't take it any longer. I couldn't listen to the both of you talk about each other all the time. I couldn't keep pretending I liked Talis when he was even less of a crush than Trevor was. I couldn't keep lying to you.

It was just before Christmas when I broke down, and it wasn't until I'd suffered through the holiday that I told you. I don't even remember how I said it, but I got it out. It was just my luck that my parents invited you to our New Years Party, and I was so scared to see you. I was stressed getting ready and I hid out in one of the classrooms, trying to calm myself down. I couldn't look weak in front of you. I couldn't look heartbroken. I had to be strong, this time not for you, but for myself.

I managed some eyeliner and a hoodie for consolation, and the rest I played by ear. For the first 20 minutes, I didn't even make eye contact with you. I don't know how much you'd told your sister, but she gave me a bit of strength by giving me something to focus on.

Funny how at the end of the night, I went home with you. I don't know why I said yes. I guess I wanted a distraction from my feelings, and I'd had a miserable Christmas, and I wanted the New Year to start out better. I rode through the night on adrenaline like I always do, and we didn't talk about him at all. Thank goodness.

The days following were rough. I avoided you as much as possible when I was online, until finally I broke the ice. We had to talk.

I brought up everything that had been on my mind, even back from camp and the rally. I took a leap of faith asked you some hard questions, and I thank you for not writing me off on the spot. I know it wasn't easy.

But so much has become clearer. You allowed me to see a vulnerable part of you that I'm sure you've rarely shown to anyone. I'm glad you trust me enough, even through everything, to reveal yourself just this much. Thank you.

I know it'll take time to heal what's been broken, but I'm positive we'll make it. We have a strong, enduring friendship. I know there are risks, and we're on a narrow bridge right now, but I believe in us.

I believe in you.

You're an amazing person. You're stronger than you think. You're beautiful, and any guy would be honored to have you. You're just beginning to find yourself, and I wish you the best of luck. Whatever trials you face, I'll be here for you, and I hope someday you'll realize how much I really love you.

Your sister,
Amy