Weird, different, odd...maybe just unique.

My life consists of ups and downs. But I've tried my entire life to not let the downs mess with my head. It's how I live, it's all I know. But a lot of people don't understand that. I can never show someone the pain I'm feeling inside. If a friend walks up to me and tells me they're dying, I know how to comfort them and play it cool. I don't know how to let things out though. And that has been a big problem for me. There's days when I'm super happy, and then the time comes and I start crying about anything. But that's the pain I've been storing in from being abused in a foster home - "Look at Lily, crying because there's no more juice."

The pain I felt when I lost my father, crying myself to sleep but realizing i'd wake up worse than ever - "Look at Lily, crying because she has to clean her room." Only some people understand me, the pain I feel is like reading a novel by Shakespeare when you've only ever read and watched cartoons. Not many get it. But trying to explain it face to face with someone is even worse.

I've tought myself to let out my feelings on the internet. I'll spend up to two hours typing up my feelings through tear filled eyes, and just as I'm about to press 'post', I delete the entire thing. After that I go days, if not weeks without shedding a tear. I fake smiles and conversations that don't interest me. But then I feel it again and decide to go back on Mibba and type up a blog which I then delete.

What does this mean? Someone who cries about everything, someone who bursts into tears the minute they hear bad news is considered weak. But, a person who keeps it inside to him or herself, is this person strong? What really makes you strong? Someone is up front about their feelings or someone who makes pretend they're not hurting?

In all honesty, I am strong. Perhaps not in that aspect. But I'll tell you one thing, what I've seen, heard, and the words that have left my lips have stained my memory. And when things get hard I don't think about ending this. I continue to hold my head up and have something as little as a cookie brighten my day. I make the small positives make me happy rather than the pile of negatives.

Alright, this was pretty pointless.