This blog may be really long, so my apologies in advance for that. I'm really writing this for myself, I don't expect any kind of feedback or comments about it 'cause it's a really complicated and messed up situation not even MYSELF can understand.
So, here it goes...
It all started on my first day of college, around mid January 2008. I met this boy through a friend, and we soon became best friends. It was one of those situations where you just CLICK with someone immediately. That was all fine, until mid 2010... Around August when things started to get really weird. This boy, who was still my best friend at the time, acted really weird around me... Nicer, to put it some way. When our relationship had always been really brother-sisterly like, If you know what I mean. So, it was kind of awkward at first. A few days later, he confessed to being in love with me. Everything happened really fast from that point. So, we became boyfriend and girlfriend officially. Some people thought it was great because we already knew so much about each other. Which I found as a disadvantage working against us, rather to make everything easier. He was such a player when I met him, and of course as his best friend I got to know every detail about his love life for two years before he became my boyfriend. That made it really difficult for me to trust him, so I became the jealous and obnoxious girlfriend type. Which ultimately destroyed our relationship of two years.
We broke up July 29th of last year. I remember that day like it was yesterday and I can't seem to let it go. I remember everything about it. I remember I felt uneasy all day. I guess we are connected in such deep way, I kind of figured something was really wrong. So at about 5 pm we ended our relationship. I couldn't sleep or eat for days. I couldn't find reasons to smile. Certainly not when he was already dating other girl. He became the enemy in my life and it broke my heart in tiny little pieces. I couldn't imagine ever feeling whole again. I cried so much, my parents sent me off to see a pyschologist. She helped me a lot getting over the awful breakup and with some other issues too. Three months later, my birthday came (October 29th) and he called me right at midnight. Again, our connection made me see there was something else going on. And so I found out the next day. He started talking about us getting back together and I must admit feeling really excited. That was some kind of happiness I hadn't experienced for three months. That feeling soon vanished as he said he no longer wanted to get back together and that he made a terrible mistake looking after me. Still, we made an effort to stay as friends as possible. Then, other things started happening. We went on dates, maybe a kiss or two and then we moved on to other stuff. That went on from October, on to this point. Of course we had our ups and downs like we always did, but still, it made me happy to keep in touch and to have him some way or the other. He insisted the only thing he really wanted from me, was our old friendship back. Though, I wanted a relationship. I kept quiet about it for a long time since I didn't want to lose him. In many ocassions we almost broke it off again because he wasn't feeling comfortable with the way things were going. But he says he stayed because it made me happy, even though he wasn't.
I continued to cling on to him and depend on him more and more. So, yesterday I knew something was up. We didn't talk for hours and something seemed off. At about 7:30 pm, he called me and started telling me some bullshit excuse of why he had been missing. Of course I didn't believe him, so I kept pushing until he told me he didn't wanna lie anymore. And so he told me the truth. He had gone on a date with some girl from work. He said he no longer wanted to be with me and he wanted to move on. Being that said, I broke completely all over. I felt so vulnerable and left alone. I couldn't believe I was hearing this again. So, it has come to the point where we haven't spoke at all since yesterday and I don't want to either. And I know I'm losing such a big part of my life and there's no way I'm getting it back. That breaks my heart and I don't know how to get past it. Everyone says it's for the best and I agree, but I can't help but feel guilty and to think this was all my fault for trusting him again with my life. Especially when he broke my heart once in the past.
That's just life I guess, and I should just learn from it and move on with my life. I don't know... I hate feeling like he can replace me anytime, when I don't want and can't replace him... like EVER. This whole situation sucks to say the least...
Has anyone been through something like this?
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