External Validation

I like receiving comments on what I write. Many, many people do. It's often, secondary of course to the idea behind it, the main reason I let people read what I create. It's not a bad thing; my ego likes hearing praise, but my brain and my ambition as an author also requires critique in order for my trade to develop, because you can never get better at something if everyone tells you you're doing great all the time.

I like receiving comments because it's a bit of an ego trip, honestly. I seek external validation; that's just the kind of person I am. I have some self esteem, don't get me wrong, but everyone tends to feel better about themselves when someone tells them what they're doing is worthwhile.

But I have this friend. And this friend is really a friend, not me. As we've established I'm kind of a feedback whore.

And this friend is good at writing. We often RP, sending multiple paragraphs back and forth. Her writing flows, and though it's not perfect, whose is? She also writes her own stories independently, which she shares with me on occasion, and they're very good. However, and this is what really surprised me, she DOES NOT let anyone else read what she creates.

After being kind of honoured that someone would let only me read whatever they're creating, I was struck by this question: Does she not require greater external validation?

So I asked why. She said she liked keeping this sort of thing inside for the most part, and that she didn't have a lot of people who would react kindly to her subject matter, like her family. I understand, since a lot of it is NC 17 and family members aren't good at seeing past the fact that their child, their little baby, could be writing about some very adult things. I've discussed this point before; family members are not who you should write with in mind. Censoring yourself is pointless.

Turns out that she just doesn't really like her stuff being read by people she doesn't trust. She enjoys it and it is a hobby, but she doesn't feel like she needs someone to tell her what she does is good.

And that's so good. I thought she didn't think she was any good with writing, but it turns out it's the non-egocentric opposite. She likes writing, she likes writing what she wants, and she doesn't need anyone to tell her it's good in order to keep doing it. All I could think while she told me about this was how great it would be to not have any concerns about readership in mind.

You see, as much as I like to preach individuality and confidence in your own art and the opinions expressed therein, I'm bad at following my own advice. The motivation I have, at least often, isn't to write because I enjoy it. It's to write because someone else might.

I spent a while thinking about that. On one hand, I sicken myself with the knowledge that my enjoyment is secondary to someone else's. On the other, I feel like someone else enjoying what I write is nice. What's wrong with writing with someone else's pleasure in mind, I thought. Turns out that when I looked deeper into that, I wasn't writing for someone else at all. It's for me. I need comments. I need people to enjoy my stuff to make it worthwhile. I need it all, just to make my passion fun.

I hate that. Managing to take my most personal pastime into a perverse open relationship doesn't sit right with me.

It takes strength of character to be able to look at what you do and be content with not putting it out there for the sake of exposure. This is more so applicable to things that can be as personal as writing usually is for most people.

I don't know. It's not like I'll suddenly change one day soon, but I'm going to try and stop worrying whether other people will like what I write before I do. Might save me from giving up sometime in the future.

Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to plug xXBlackHeartAngelXx, the lovely girl who introduced me to this site and is responsible for motivating most of my writing lately. She's currently doing the same theme challenge that I am, and she's got some really cool stories up as well, so go check her out.

And no, this blog entry was not me procrastinating from doing my next entry. Totally not.

Maybe.

... Shutup. :P