I Am Human & I Want To Be Loved

I am not the most perfect human in the world, I know this, I have demons inside of me who remind me every single day and night, every breath that passes through these swollen lips of mine, they are always there, in my head and in real life.
I’m a sinner.
I’m a Christian.
I’ve smoked.
I drink.
I swear.
I lie.
I do everything that the ‘Good Book’ says we shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel like the next person.
I was so upset today, for more reasons than one but where do I begin? Maybe Saturday was what set it off when my eyes crossed you once again;
I have needs, I have wants, I breathe the same air as you do, and I bleed the same way you…Don’t. I bleed when I’m not supposed to. Is that why you hate me? Because I’m not the same as you? We’re two different people living in the same world; a heaven and hell. You have the perfect world and I have what you throw out the window.
“Please, can I come in? I’m a humble woman who is looking for a place to stay”
“Get away from me heathen, how dare you think you can approach me?”
I know I can’t. I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t pull away and now you have turned me away in an hour of need and let me to bleed out on the street and I’m not sure if this time, I’ll be able to pick myself up out of the gutter.
What makes us so difference?
I’m a girl when you’re a guy; I thought this would make you understand?
You’re a year older; I’m a year younger; I thought this made you mature.
I’m the perfect sinner, you’re God’s angel; I thought this made you sweet.
You’ve stayed clean, I’m dirty as an old washcloth; I thought this made you wiser.
I’m from a broken home; You live in a mansion with the perfect family.
You bleed when you fall down off your bike and cut your knee, I bleed to escape this hell I’m living in.
I’ve fallen for you time and time again; you break my heart every time I see your face.
You sleep at eleven clock and dream of something beautiful; some nights I hope it’s me. I stay up, my insomnia kicking in when it probably shouldn’t have and that’s when the thoughts come.
***
Today was what had ruined me, well last night actually.
“YOU’RE STUPID”
“DUMB BITCH”
“DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING”
Yes.
“YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING”
“YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING!”
I’m sorry MOM.
I’m sorry for not being the perfect daughter you’ve already have, I’m sorry for not thinking about University as much as she did, for not being as skinny as she is, I’m sorry I don’t have the brains for what you want me to do, I’m sorry for being a daddy’s girl. But most importantly, I’m sorry for hiding these scars, covering them under bracelet after bracelet so you don’t have to worry about them, but in the end, I guess you’re right.
I’m useless.
I’m worthless.
I’m nothing.
I’m a disappointment.
You had every right to take away my Sleeping With Sirens tickets, you had the right to cancel them for a whole night so by the morning they were sold out and I get to miss the only band who understands what I’m going through.
I don’t care that I’m not getting to watch Sleeping With Sirens right before my eyes, I don’t care that I have to go to school tomorrow and break the news to my best friend that my mother decided to cancel out our plans, I don’t care that you believe you’ve done nothing wrong and I was the one who had to apologise. I only care about the people who I have disappointed, the smiling faces of those who love me, more than you do the ones who are going to break when they see me with a bandage around my wrist tomorrow.
“I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine” I’ll lie through watered eyes “I fell over”
It’s worked before it shouldn’t be different this time.
Sometimes, I feel so alone.
So alone.
I am human and I need to be loved.
I breathe the same air as the people who loved me. I bleed like they do too. I cry I have feelings; I have a limit that gets pushed way too often.
Maybe I didn’t belong here?
There’s no question to it actually.
I don’t.
Oh well...Eight months, down the drain.
Time to start the counter again.
7 hours and counting. Let's see how long this lasts.