You guys.

Do you realise how happy it makes me when I see you recommend my stuff? I mean obviously my fanfictions, but that's different. I mean my blogs, and my poems and that. You don't have to read all this I just want you to know how grateful I am for you lot. And I don't know if it's cos you actually like my stuff, or if it's cos you're my friends, even those of you I'm not that close to, Margot, Twiggy, etc, but you have no idea the extent at which you guys have helped me, in the head more than anything, for keeping my confidence up when I've had nothing else going for me. Making me feel like less of a waste of space.

And I'm not just saying that.

Feel free to stop reading now, it gets pretty long after that.

A huge part of my depression is my expectations of myself. The fact I'm at the present not doing much, and haven't been in education since I was 16 in around january 2012, I've found it really hard to deal with. Because I've always been told I've had so much talent (yep. essentially a major part of my condition is my ARROGANCE. and that I haven't been able to fulfil it.... ), and god knows if it's true, but lately I feel like I wasted it all with this year and a bit of no proper work, and now I HAVE no talent. But you guys, you fucking make me feel like I do. And it makes me feel a little less deformed, less warped, hunchbacked, hate myself a little less. And let me tell you that when you're as mental as me, that TINY amount of less self hatred goes a FUCKING long way.

I tried to join a magazine a few months back, seeing what I could do with these 'talents'. And I folded. I had to analyse an article and it was the first bit of writing I'd done in ages and though I tried I knew I wasn't doing it to the best of my ability. And that I couldn't. And so I quit.

You won't BELIEVE how much worse things got after that. I'd been convinced when I started doing something it would put the pieces of my life back together. But it didn't. I genuinely thought, fuck. This is supposed to be my forte, the thing I'm GOOD at. You hear stories of celebrities that have overcome their demons through art that they enjoy, that they're good at - but I couldn't even do that cos I still wasn't fucking good enough. Music too is a passion but I've always been too scared of failing to really do something with it. Same with art.

That's it. The barrier. The expectations and the vicious cycle that if I don't live up to them, I quit. So here was an insight into my mental little brain. You probably weren't to care for any of this and I don't blame you, I wouldn't be interested in anyone else's long story of how they fucked up and fucked up again and want to die, but basically, thankyou. So, so much. Even if you're just doing it to get me to shut up, or because you love everyone on here and want us all to be friends, you won't believe how much your support has kept me going and no matter how this ends, whether I eventually get better or not, because you know, some people don't, and right now, to me, I'll admit I don't feel like I'll ever get out of this hole (but maybe that's just cos I'm crazy and dark and emo - and who knows, maybe hope will come back to me soon, maybe it's just hiding); but you lot have kept me holding on for so long.

Oh yyeaaah if you didn't notice this is mainly for the people on here who like... at least know my name but it goes for all of you. And hey, a lot of you seem to suffer from depression or whatnot yourselves but you've held on even when it looked like there was no light at the end of the road, so why the fuck shouldn't I?

(Oh yeah because I've been doing it for nearly 2 years now and nothing's got better lol)

(SHUT UP EMO SIDE)

(I have no CHOICE but to hold on. Don't worry. I won't do it to my mum. I'm gonna get better. And it's a lot due to you guys. Thanks)

<3