There Is No Help

I know what that sounds like.
Don't worry, Mibba good deed doers.
I'm not planning to off myself. I promised my best friend I wouldn't.
I'm just tired of everything.

Of taking everyone's shit.
Taking shit and ridiculous criticisms from my parents, my teachers, my classmates, my 'friends'.

The kids at school just...
I try and ignore them but then they get physical about it.
I've been shoved and someone pushed me down some stairs one time. I've had food thrown at me and things stolen from me.
It's gone on since last year when a couple of girls decided they didn't like me and figured out that I can fit in the gym lockers.
If I stand up for myself, they go the principal and say I'm a bully.
If I stay quiet and just stay away from everyone, I'm attention seeking.
No matter what I do, it's wrong.
I don't normally care what people think, but everyone has a breaking point.

A lot of the teachers think it's my fault, that I look for and ask for trouble.

I feel like all my mom wants to do is yell at me.
Like she only pretends to care, sometimes.
That all she wants to do is control me.
She doesn't care if I'm standing in front of her crying while she yells at me.
I told her I wanted to die one time. She sent me to my room and told me I was being dramatic.
I just wanted help.

My anxiety is getting way worse.
Is there treatment for that?

So of course with all this going on, I don't really want to talk to many people.
My friends can't handle this.
If I say I don't really want to talk and would rather be alone, they act like I'm being a total bitch.
If I try and talk to them about my problems, they don't know how to deal with what I'm telling them.
And still call me a bitch.

Know what I do to make people pick on me like the kids at school do?
I don't know either.
I just know that apparently it's my fault.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Maybe I could fix it.
What did I do that made me deserve this?

What'd I do to deserve to be torn apart by people?
What is that wrong with me?

I don't feel like sleeping anymore. Or eating.
Every time I eat, I hear one of them talking about how I eat too much.
When I don't, I hear this girl screaming about how I'm an anorexic slut.

I hate them all.
But I'm starting to hate myself more.
School used to actually kind of matter to me. Get good grades, go to a good college.

Why would I want to go to college when all I'm going to get is more of this?

They talk about everything about me.
My clothes, my hair, my friends, my lack of friends, my attitude, my intelligence, the fact that I'm white.
The fact that I'm fairly pale.
They get in my face and say they want to take my eyes out.

Anything and everything.

I wish I could disappear.
I wish I could die.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me.