Right Now

Right now, minutes ago, actually, I just got the news. And not in the right way, I might add. I had to overhear it from people I barely know.

Right now, I am angry. I am tired. I am scared of what the funeral will bring. I'm scared of feeling too much but more scared of feeling too little. Because we didn't really know each other, you and I. But I played several times in the church you attend and you told me that you liked it. That you were happy I came. That I was great. That you loved me.

Right now I am wishing I wore the necklace you gave me a year prior more often. The gold one with the little angel on it. The one you told me out of the blue one day that you wanted me to have. I will wear it when I say goodbye. It will be the only time you've seen me in it.

Right now I am confused on as to which friends to tell about this catastrophe. How big of a deal to make of this.

Right now I am wondering when your services will be and who will go with me. If I will go alone. But I will be there.

Right now I am thinking about the last time I saw you; yesterday. All hooked up to wires and beeping machines of various sorts. Mouth open, eyes shut, breathing heavily. It's strange to me to think that not so very long ago you were laying in a hospital bed as a baby in your mother's arms.

Right now I am thinking about the one mistake that took away your entire life. About how unfair this is and why such things happen. What was God thinking when he took you this morning?

Right now I am thinkning about all the people who are going to miss you dearly, all the people that will be there to say goodbye to you.

Right now I am wishing you and I had been closer. That'd we'd exachanged more than just music and a necklace in the past. That we would've spent time together and got to know each other better. That I wish I knew how old you were. That maybe I am a terrible person for not knowing. That maybe my life would've been greatly altered had we had a relationship. That I wish we could've.

And right now I am thinking about how I'm glad we didn't.