18 Weeks

I am 18 weeks pregnant (with a son, we hope.) I still don't feel pregnant, aside from weight gain, stretch marks, and crazy mood swings. I don't have Medicaid yet because they need verification, although I thought I had given them all they had asked for. Apparently not.

I now work at a gas station but since they found out I was pregnant, my hours have been dropping. There's a woman there that is just starting (I've been here over a month) and she is getting more hours than I am. It's really frustrating because we need the money badly, although I hate it there. We're pretty sure they want me to quit. But I can't.

On a positive note, just before 4 PM on Thursday, March 7, 2013 I married my fiance, Scott. We got together officially on April 20th, 2012. We got engaged July 24th, 2012. On December 21st, we found out I was pregnant. We have been through quite a bit of rough patches....the most recent rough patch nearly destroyed our relationship.

We were at his mom's and he was drinking too much. I said something because he's a mean drunk and he got pissed off and made me cry. He went to his mom's computer room and I could hear him IM on Facebook. I didn't think anything of it until the next morning, at home. My phone was being stupid so I went to get on my Facebook on his phone as I got ready for work. It was 6 AM and he was asleep. I accidentally got on his Facebook and saw he had been messaging a girl named Amanda. Being a nosy, jealous female, I read through from the beginning.

He was basically complaining about how I don't understand his stress. She was trying to console him in a friendly manner, but his venting was already sending up red flags in my mind. Eventually, he asked if she wanted to fuck. She made it seem like a joke, saying things like;

"Oh your baby mama would kill us both."

He responded with "Yeah maybe, but fuck her."

This comment hurt more than him asking another girl for sex. Here I am, pregnant with his child and trying my hardest to make my new job work, and I'd do anything for him and he's acting like I don't matter, like my feelings don't matter.

He then continued to try and persuade her by mentioning how "fun" it would be. I looked at him as he slept and fought the urge to wake him and demand to know what I did to deserve it. But instead, I gently woke him and told him it was time to get up so he could drive me to work. I remained calm the whole drive as if nothing was wrong. At work, I texted him that I had read everything and we fought the whole day, him apologizing over and over and talking about how drunk he was. But the drinking was the problem.

And as soon as I saw him, he smiled at me like the whole thing was funny. Guess why he was smling. He was drunk. We fought all day but the night ended with us curling up in bed. I cried myself to sleep, feeling stupid and worthless. But at the end of the day, I realized that this one mistake shouldn't destroy my family and most precious relationship before it could really begin.

I have been thinking about it all day and I've been feeling nauseous, wanting to bring it up. But I don't. Because the fight would be pointless and painful for both of us and there is no point dwelling on the past just because I'm stressed about money and such.

That's all I can think about though, so that's all for now...