The world is ugly

I miss being okay. I miss not feeling like a reject in my surroundings. I miss having friends and someone to talk to when I felt this way. I miss not feeling completely alone. I miss being okay with my body. I miss being able to go out for sushi and a beer if I fucking want to. I miss not being told how I’m going to live my life according to someone’s outlook of the bible. I miss not waking up and feeling completely alone. I miss not crying in the shower because everything hits me all at once. I miss watching a show and my significant other not gawking at every half naked girl on the screen. I miss them gawking at me. I miss feeling like I’m worth being gawked at. I miss my mom. I miss when my mom acted like she wanted me. Like she missed me. I miss being able to go to her whenever I needed to just talk. Now, she does everything in her power to make me feel worthless and like I don’t matter. Maybe I don’t. Maybe everything I’m feeling just proves that no matter what I do or say, I’m not good enough. Maybe.
I wish I could disappear.
I miss not feeling like a burden. I miss feeling like I really really matter. It’s pathetic, I know. I’ve been told pregnancy is the happiest time in a woman’s life. Why do I feel like nothing then? Why do I feel like I have to force smiles at every moment of the day. Why can’t I just be happy?
There’s got to be something wrong with me. I mess everything up. Who knew I could ever fuck up pregnancy? I miss having a job. I miss being able to get a stupid job. I’m in a completely foreign element, and I just can’t do anything right. I can’t do this anymore
March 14th, 2013 at 06:31pm