Heart or Heartless

This week has been one of the worst weeks of my life. Right up there by the first week when I lost my father. I feel like- How do I explain this? The week I lost my father my whole life crumbled beneath my feet. Because the week I lost my father, I didn't just lose him. I lost my blood family, adopted family, and my friends. I was going to lose my house, my town I lived in, and my life was changing drastically. In the first week, I lost one of the only two people that I could rely on because his girlfriend convinced him I was just using him. Maybe I was clinging to him like my life depended on it... But I was losing like my entire world. By the end of the school year, I walked at my graduation and moved back in with my mother because I thought I should be with her... She is not the most emotionally sound woman. She was constantly telling me that my father, the man who raised me my entire existence, deserved to die, and it was practically a suicide. As well, as saying that she told me to get over it. Because my best friend who was like a brother to me left me in the dust when I missed the man who raised me and my own mother was telling me that I should get over it I quickly clamped up when it came to the topic. I'd bring it up, but just barely. No one seemed to want to hear about my pain... Even though I lost the biggest part to who I am, no one would let me speak up. So for two and a half years, I held the pain in, barely letting it out.
January last year, I met this amazing guy on this very website who made me feel safe and like I could finally feel my emotions. I didn't have to lock them up anymore. I've been with him for ten months, almost eleven. And since I got with him I've never been more in tune with my own emotions. I feel like I'm finally healing. From the deaths of my father, my nieces, and my friend. I was healing from the verbal abuse I had always grown up around from my mother and stepmother. I am growing into a wonderful, intelligent, caring young woman whose finally smiling because she's happy thanks to this guy.
Recently, my heart feels as though I'm going through the same turmoil. To be honest, I agree with my heart... I'm being verbally abused by family daily... I'm about to lose another loved one, my dog. I'm being told I shouldn't feel certain emotions. I'm having my family taken from me, and my adopted family is extremely distant. It's almost felt like I'm going through the same stuff. The panic attacks get so bad they feel like heart attacks, which I'm prone to getting, scarily enough.
What I don't get though is the family I'm staying with won't let me talk about what's going on or my feelings about what's happening. I have a right to feel the way I do, and just because they don't want to admit the truth doesn't mean I shouldn't talk about it. I'm smart enough to handle the truth head on whereas my blood family can't handle that they might be the problem or at least part of it. My cousin is the reason my dog's dying, my mom refuses to take care of my little brother, and when I stand up to do it Mom's rips into me like I'm a new chew toy for a puppy. My grandma says she wants to help, but will defend the guilty at all costs. She says I have no right to care for my brother and dog, I shouldn't be mad at my mom and cousin, and essentially this is my fault. I'm sorry I notice how reality really is and care for those in need. I like that I still love and care for everyone despite my dark past. I love that I'm smart enough to handle each situation thrown my way. No matter if I'm too caring I still love who I am... I just wonder why my family has chosen to give up their hearts and be so cold to each other...

Sorry. Just needed to get this all off my chest.
March 16th, 2013 at 06:32am