Ugh, how do I even TITLE THIS?!

Well, I'll just keep it short and simple, even though my situation is everything but.

I am really and honestly debating on suicide. Everything's all seeming like I could go through with it, but I'm having second thoughts...I wanna kill myself, and I wanna die, but I can't. It's like I'm STUCK here; my friends and family are like glue. No matter the amount of pain and depression I feel or lack of it otherwise, I still couldn't bear to see them without me because, even though I have 3 friends and 5 family members who /actually/ care, it would kill them for years and years to come. But I'm just so angry or hurt or depressed or numb ALL OF THE TIME. Yes, I've sought help, but honestly? I think I'm too far gone this time. But hospitalization scares me out of offing myself, 'cause all hospitals are there for is to pump you full of messy medications that may or may not help and send you home. I don't want that again, it's happened one too many times for me to come home high and disabled from medication. I couldn't fucking do it. But suicide just seems so amazingly simple - nothingness and no pain. You're just DEAD, and it seems wonderful. I know it would kill everyone around me, but sometimes, I just don't see another option. And it scares the shit out of me. This might seem like I'm fishing for attention, but I'm honestly not. I just want someone to fucking listen for once and try to help. Yes, TRY. You don't have to succeed, but you can fucking make a good, honest effort at it. THAT would make me re-think my situation just a little. Not a lot, but just a little. Again, I'm not the kind of person to fish for attention, and this is definitely not a search for pity. But I am trying to reach out to someone, ANYONE.

I just want to feel the need to live again.