For the Man Who Raised Me

There's a lot that I've kept hidden from the world. I've done it my entire life... And for like the past three years I've honestly and openly talked about my dad to like two people. The person I'm with and his amazing mother. Maybe I talked to the person I'm with's family. I remember that when I talked to them about it I'm not as scared because in all honesty, they listen and understand. And there's no undertone of like 'why are we talking about this?' or 'sheesh, you're still talking about him?' I mean why wouldn't I talk about him? He's my father. He raised me. He's the reason I'm this sweet, loving, intelligent woman who has never done anything I completely regret. The reason I told the one I'm with is because he's so sweet about it and gentle. He asks questions about Dad, and he lets me repeat stories about Dad and the family I lost. The person I'm with, Soul, always comforts me when I talk about him in a good or bad tone. Soul's family is really understanding too. They hear me out and tell me how wonderful dad is. Some people tell me how they wish they could've met Dad, but because they wanted to meet him they won't let me say as much about Dad. Soul wanted to meet Dad as well, but I'm still allowed to tell Soul about my dad. Like Dad has told me since I was a baby, "I'm always in your heart and in your brain." That never stopped since he passed away.
Dad has always proven he's always by my side still even after he passed away. And because I see a future with Soul, and I know my dad and Soul still have a way of communicating Dad's with Soul when Soul needs him. I write to my father since I lost him. I'm on the fourth notebook of letters to him. I write letters to Dad on important family holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas and amazing stuff happens to me like when I started my job or when I got my copyright certificate from the FREAKING Library of Congress. It makes me feel like he's not so far away, more like I'm at Summer camp where I can't see the folks. When I close my eyes and sleep sometimes I see Dad at his new house in heaven or sometimes he comes to an apartment I so so very want and we have talks, much more deep than the talks I had with him when he was here, physically. The reason for that is because I protected Dad a lot from the dark and scaries when he was here, though I'm sure he could see right through it. We're more honest with each other now when Dad and I talk whether it's when I'm sleeping or when I'm awake and he checks on me. We have this stronger connection when I'm near my element which is water.
Anyway, about who Dad was... Dad was one of the most intelligent, most caring, most understanding, most respectful, most honorable people I've ever had the pleasure of having in my life. He had four kids, five by the end, but it feels like I'm the only one he had a connection with because his other kids would rather act as though he never existed... And they'll never talk about him... But I learned from Nevermore, a Maximum Ride novel, by James Patterson is when someone was in your life and passed away you shouldn't not want to talk about him. You should be able to talk about them, scream and yell when you feel the need to, cry when you miss them and you just have to cry... But barely anyone wants to do that when it comes to Dad... I do all of the above and before I met Soul, I did it all alone. And man, did it hurt like I was getting stabbed repeatedly in the chest... But oh well... Dad was this man who supported everyone in what they wanted to do. He was a man who would show everyone respect until they showed him they didn't deserve it. He had been through hell and back with his soul and heart still very much intact. I got that from him, and I'm so grateful I got that from him. People love how strong willed I am; they should know I get my strength and strong will from him. Dad's the reason I'm so intelligent and wise, why I'm so caring and empathetic to others. Dad's the main reason why I am the way I am.
Two of the happiest days in my father's life were the day I was born, and the day I moved in with him shortly before I turned fourteen. He had always wanted a daughter after his niece was born. I was his favorite daughter because his other daughter was stolen away from him before they had a chance to have a relationship with him, but I was also his favorite daughter because I was his first born child. When I was first born Dad worked nights to play with me during the days. Dad always told me I was intelligent as a baby too. I'd always go to my toy chest, and when I wanted the toy at the bottom of the chest I'd take the toys out, put the toy I wanted off to the side, and put all my toys back. Also, when he told me to get a book so he could read to me; if I got a repeat book, he'd tell me that he wanted to read me a new book he hadn't read to me before, and I'd get a book he hadn't read to me on the first try. Dad- There's so many memories to say about him, but so little time. I need to finish this tonight, so most likely I'll write another tribute about him some other time.
I'll tell you that I was Dad's favorite son too though because I loved watching sports with him. Hockey was my favorite. In fact, Daddy was my first word, and 'hockey' was my second. Dad was the reason I'm a chocoholic and a music addict... *smiles at the memories*
My father's also the reason I am as independent as I am. I was born with CP, but Dad always taught me I was no different from anyone else with hard work and tenacity. He always made me push myself but never in a condescending way like my mother does. Dad treated me like an adult as long as I acted like one. When we went to the beach Dad would hang with me since I couldn't get too close to the water without damaging my crutches and braces. Dad also always kept me company when we went to the fair. I don't like rides, so Dad would play fair games with me.
Dad was my biggest inspiration and encouragement to why I'm an author. Once he came to terms with the fact that I'm a writer he always encouraged me and gave me advice. He loved seeing the writing I showed him, and he never once broke my privacy by never reading past what I showed him. He was so honorable that way. It was very nice and amazing of him. He even introduced me to an author after teaching me the ways of interviewing... But I was totally starstruck when I met the author, so Dad had to take over the interview. Dad was always about encouraging my writing, but he wanted to make sure I knew to have another career till my writing picked up.
I have dreams about Dad and I doing things I want to do with him, but we never had the chance to do.
The first one is our daddy/daughter dance. A friend of mine told me to picture it the way I wanted it to be. So here it is... I added details since. I was wearing an amazing pink gown that was sleeveless with a giant black bow in the middle with pink and blue nails. I was wearing flats. Dad was wearing a nice suit (because I asked him to). We had our friend there and family too. The tone was really nice. We danced to 'Gorgeous Nightmare' by Escape the Fate. It was more of a rock song than a slow song. We're not really slow music type people, or I'm not.
The second one is Dad alive and well at my wedding. I was in the most beautiful white gown that was down to halfway past my knee. My friend was helping me with my hair when Dad came to check on me. He and I talked for a bit as my hair got finished. He then walked me down the aisle to my husband. It was wonderful. And when me and my husband were married Dad and I got our daddy/daughter dance there. It was wonderful.
Because I lost Dad before I could get the daddy/daughter dance I wanted and before I got married... I dream about them often... And when my father passed I asked my older brother, Fang, to w-walk m-me d-down th-the aisle at-at my w-wedding... And m-my little br-brother, E, w-will honor me in th-the t-traditional d-daddy/d-daughter dance... I'm lucky to have brothers who will step up and do that when I do get married, but I'll still miss my dad immensely that day even though my dad will be there in spirit.
I hope every day that I make my father proud. I think Dad's proud of me because I'm always learning so much. I have a wonderful volunteer job, I tutor kids, I'm working on my second book. I'm doing my best always. I'm looking for my own place. I'm in a happy, loving relationship. I think I'm always making my father proud. Sometimes I just like to hear others and Dad tell me though. <3
March 18th, 2013 at 08:57am