Victim vs. Victimizing

I tend to make myself out to seem like the victim in most cases. Sometimes, I believe myself. But there comes a point where you just sit yourself down, and think, and realize that there are more than just the protagonist and the antagonist. Of course, there are main ones. In reality though, it may not be so obvious which is which.

I've told myself that I am the victim for many years of my life. After thinking for a long hour and a half in my German class, I realized that I could never be more wrong. When it comes to internal struggle and the battles raging inside my mind, that is true. I am the victim of my own mind. Now I know that I've been victimizing everyone I know because of that. I am simply tired of being a victim of myself. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that it was me ruining my own life because I thought I was the victim of everything. Now I am, and now I want to talk about it.

Relationships. They have their ups and downs, obviously. Some look at those of others and think they can easily guess who's really in charge. Maybe this could shed some light on who it is that's taking all the bullshit and who's dealing it out. But it is never that simple. I've been to naive to realize that for the past several years. It's never one of them that hurts the other. In some way, they've both dealt their damage between them.

Is it really fair to say that I was the victim in my past relationship? I would have said yes a week ago. But no, it's not. Especially not now that I think over everything that happened, and how I acted, and the justified reasons of her reactions.

Falling in love unexpectedly ends badly in most cases. There are people out there that others just should not end up falling for. But, unlike most other things, we can't control it. Maybe that is one thing I have been a victim of. I fell for the wrong girl, at the wrong time. I think, simply because of the fact I had been victimized by something intangible that I couldn't control and had no way to stop, I victimized the very girl I had developed these feelings for.

I couldn't deal with these thoughts and these feelings for a girl that was out of my reach. So I put the pressure on her. That was possibly my biggest mistake. People lie under pressure, and I should have accepted that and understood when it had became obvious that that's what she had done when she gave me reasons why we couldn't be together. I should not have victimized her further like I did.

Breaking up a relationship should never be what anyone wants to do. Not even once. Not even if you're head over heels in love with the person, like I was. Victimizing one person is bad enough. Victimizing two people and everything they had ever worked for together is just...the lowest of the low. That was rock bottom for me. I was in the wrong. I didn't realize I was then, but I've had it done to me enough times that now I understand how terrible I was for doing it.

Doing it twice... What the fuck was I thinking?

I've blamed so many people for my issues. I've blamed people for my mistakes. I've blamed people for the pain, and the regret, and the bitterness. But when the rain clears, the only person standing there is me, wondering where all my friends have gone and where the hell I am. Then I look in the mirror, and I wonder even who I am.

Realizing that the violent waves in my happiness have been caused by me, I feel okay with everything I've lost. There's really no point in being bitter and angry over something you did yourself, is there? If I were younger, I'd be angry with myself. But I'm trying not to be so self hateful anymore because the only thing I want in the entire world is to recover. I'm doing well so far, I think.

I'm not even sad that the girl I had loved for two years just got up and walked out of my life on Sunday. I'm not sad that she took one of my best friends with her and got back together. I'm not. Maybe I'm sad that the effort I put into everything was just flushed down the toilet, but I won't say it was pointless.

I think the past two years happened to teach me a lesson. I've learned so many things from all the mistakes I made with her and everyone else. I know not to meddle with other people's happiness at the cost of mine. I know not to get too attached. I know to go for people I can reach, and be with, and be happy with who will always be by my side (not a few hundred miles away and over a computer or cell phone screen). I know to own up to my faults and not get angry at people for theirs.

Now that I know I've learned my lesson and have realized where I went wrong and where I can improve, I'm even happier than I was when I was with her. Now I know how to become happy again when I've fallen into the same rut later on in life. Though I hope I don't, because life is perfect right now.