The Blame Game.

I did a stupid thing.

It was a stupid and selfish thing, and I’m not sure what I regret more, surviving or doing it in the first place. A lot of people have been affected by me, re-assessing what’s important to them, making life decisions and how they see things too. Everyone around me seems to be fragile. They all blame themselves and I can’t imagine why, I know it’s out of care, but it is f*cking irritating. What I did will probably stick with them for a while and I just want everyone to forget about it, especially the authorities. They all treat me like I’m something they need to worry about and fuss over and treat specially, but no. It’s not needed; it’s ridiculous how people... change.

The worst part of it is that people are trying to understand. How can you ask someone to explain something they didn’t understand in the first place? Trying to understand why I did it and how I could do it and why I couldn’t stop myself. The fact that they won’t shut up about it certainly isn’t helping either. I want to get over this and I’d much prefer laughing over it than having to see all of these people intruding into my life and disturbing things which are better off in peace. They want to help me, but I’m sorry if I feel that I don’t need it. All of these people asking questions, pitying me, confused too, all I did was a simple thing and they can’t get their heads around it.

I also hate all of the trouble it’s causing- social workers, camhs, the pastoral support officer having to keep a track of us at school, it’s all ridiculous. It didn't work, so I’m not going to try the same thing, am I? It’s not just me either; my friend who just happened to be there is getting crap too. More so even, they’re dredging up a past which is supposedly already buried, and they’re kicking up a fuss where there’s no need.

Here’s a list of the stupid things done;
1. What I did.

2. Keeping me away from people. They didn't let me have contact with anyone apart from my family for over a week and it’s utterly ridiculous. I was panicking the whole time, unsure of whether my friends were okay. My head was swimming with “are they okay?”, “will they forgive me?” and I didn’t want to be stuck in a hospital bed with mere bruises while they were out there. What’s worse is that when I was first admitted I wasn't allowed visitors and after that, when I was, they just failed to tell ANYONE that I was. I felt alone and they felt worried. They've taken my phone away too, from suggestion of the social workers. That is not helping, at all. They've taken me from the internet too, my one connection to the outer world and I am left to use the schools’ at any opportunity. Well to be fair, even with access to it at all times, I’d be limited, I mean, my friend handed over all of my details and internet personalities. (internal sobbing)

3. My friend is getting more trouble than I am. One of my “best friends” (A terms I use loosely, and only really because she considers me one of hers, though at most times I can’t stand her) blames the girl with me. Though she admitted that it’s damn near impossible to stop someone in that situation. One of the few ways is actually physically restraining them, and I am probably stronger (no offence).
Also, she’s having far more social services trouble than me and she didn’t even do anything. It’s ridiculous how she’s been treated. She probably saved my life too. No one gets that.

4. Restrictions. Rules that are supposed to be on me;
• I’m not allowed to be unsupervised/ alone.
• I have to share a room.
• I have to talk about things or I have to go back to the hospital.
• I’m not allowed in the kitchen alone.
• No going near sharp things.
• Talk to my dad or I have to go back too.

5. People blaming themselves, and people blaming her and not enough people blaming me.

I jumped off a bridge and my friend was with me. She didn't make me; no she did not push me. It was my idea, I’m the one who jumped, she happened to be there. She was actually the one who waited it out, waited for the tides to come in, which in effect saved my life. I’m perhaps not grateful enough, but god if someone tries to crap at her again I will flip shit because it’s not fair how they've treated her. And the fact that they’re digging up her past and that I was the one who did the act is a perfect example of how the services are stupid and how this country’s authorities are fucked up. They’re all playing the blame game, avoiding pointing at the pathetic girl who jumped. But it’s not their blame, it’s definitely my game. I trump all. ^.^
I didn't get hurt, what’s the drama? I didn't die. I’m a failure through and through but it isn't anyone’s fault but my own. And if they can’t see that, that’s their problem and honest to god I can’t be bothered to deal with them.