The Bigger Picture...

I'm actually quite freaked out.

Occasionally I'll let myself wonder around on the internet late at night and I usually either end up watching Illuminati videos or scrolling through a feminist blog, but tonight is different.

Ever since I watched the movie "Half the Sky", I've been having these epiphanies that I constantly wish I never had. I've realized sex-trafficking is worse than I thought, that sexism and the rape culture is worse than I thought (I now see examples and proof in my every day life), and most unsettling is the fact that I've conformed.

I used to hate the media that everyone else consumed. You know, TV shows and mainstream music and what not. And I've let my guard down since my brothers passed away. I bought into the consumerism that teenage girls are sucked into by boybands because I was seeking comfort that I didn't get from the opposite sex. It's horrible really.

But with it, I've been able to ignore my families poverty, my own internal struggles, and how screwed humanity is right now. I feel bombarded by ads and people high up there telling me what I need and what I should do. I even feel that my mom telling me to "snap out of it and do [my] homework" is wrong. I feel it's wrong because school isn't really an education when I'm getting more educated about real life problems from Tumblr and not my teacher. And what is this feeling?

It's a feeling of rebellion and hell, I haven't felt the need to...to question much of anything in years. Years. That's odd isn't it? Teenagers are known for questioning and rebelling and causing an up rise. But really, so many teenagers I know have an opinion, but they don't voice it. Why are we so passive now?

I'm waking up. That's the only way I can put it. And it's really scary because I've been sheltered too long. I've been watching videos on Youtube of One Direction and spending entire Saturdays watching Vampire Diaries instead of finding out how fucked up the real world is. I don't want to be a puppet. I want to have a voice of my own. I want the bigger picture because I know it's got to be more than working a 9 to 5 job and being expected to produce and consume and keep my mouth shut.

This is my world. Why am I letting people tell me what to do with my life?