I suppose you never expected much

I suppose you never expected that much from me. Honestly, that’s what I had planned for, what I plan for every situation and encounter. I’m not lying so much as keeping myself aligned and stable from falling short. What I consider to be terrifying, truly horrific to the point where I cannot utter a single word, is the knowledge that I will always flat line when paired against someone else. I trust this reasoning. Where else am I to place myself? I find the cross-hairs between apathy general compassion to be quite a comfortable bed, tinged with my own deceit. I never wanted to fall, and I didn’t for a long while. I was rather buoyant against the currents and swells, until one came that was too great. Walls are welcomed structures, hopefully I am alone inside of them. They cradle me, a hopeless person clinging to the few comforts I care to hold on to. What else should I cling to? Perhaps I never fully realized the importance of others, until too late, that is. But what good is it to cling to people? They falter and fail and wander. I should know, I am the worst of them all. But still I find the warm ones that send me a smile or two, genuine or not. For a moment, my steel cage is irradiated and I’m exposed to the lurking beasts circling me and marking my movements. When I see a face or even hear a voice that is familiar, I am safe, for now anyway. So I’ll continue to fall short and cry and then laugh. I’ll continue to wait for the dull sickness to wash away the time I can’t seem to forget and wait for my lost memories to come back to shore. I’ll continue to hope that I’m enough, despite any logic. And when all of this is over and done, maybe I’ll actually realize what I’m here for, or not. Either way, I’ll try not to complain.