random babbling + sadness

i don't know what to say anymore. i'm sad, but not to the point where i feel the need to... do anything about it. i'm sad, and that's okay.

there's some type of comfort in hurting. having that physical ache in your chest reminds you that hey, i'm here, and i can feel.

i don't want to be happy.

i don't know what happy feels like. i've experienced happiness at a young age but now it's faint, like a fading smell of perfume after you've held the bottle up to your nose for so long. it's barely there. i'm scared to be happy because i don't know what happiness truly feels like. i reckon it feels like emptiness. there's no ache there to remind you that you exist. you're floating, maybe, and you're all smiles and meaningless words and it's blank on the inside and easy smiles of nothing on the out.

i'm okay with hurting.

i'm fine with being hurt, shattered, and crushed over and over again. it's when i'm all cried out and the ache is there, a faint reminder, but i sit there and i'm a sort of numb and it feels good to just not feel. i'm fine with watching the blood stir down the drain. i'm fine with feeling that familiar ache in my stomach, almost as strong as the one pulsing in my chest.

i'm not settling for sadness, because it'll always be there. i'm used to it always being there. waiting to sneak up on me when i smile or laugh or when he smiles at me and i smile back for a moment, forgetting for a split second that it's not possible to feel those emotions for a long time. the sadness isn't an option, it's here to stay. it's here to remind me that it belongs with me, it owns me, and there's nothing i can do but let it consume me.