went to a shrink for the first time - awwwwk.

I've been under a lot of stress lately with school and money issues and just having that "the fate of the world rests on my shoulders and at any moment I could drop the world and everything will die" type of feeling.

And it wasn't that I don't want to talk to my parents about it, but it's just hard and it's not the kind of think that I feel comfortable talking to my friends about, so my mom kind of got it so she suggested talking to one of the counselors on campus.

Naturally I was all 'that's dumb, I don't need to talk that bad.'

But on the inside I was having this really big battle, because I've been struggling with what I thought might maybe probably kind of be depression. Naturally I don't know what depression feels like, because it's not like you feel it and have that 'aha' moment where you know "oh, that's it. It's depression. Totally."

So I don't know if my problem is an actual problem for one thing, but then I'm faced with this whole stigma. Because society treats depression like it's either this really bad thing and it's a weakness and you should just ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. Society just wants you to get over it. Or it's this cool Edgar Allen Poe kind of depression, where you're a tortured soul and nobody will ever understand you, but it's cool because you're an artist, which makes your illness cool and hip.

Either way, society doesn't want you to get help, and that's what I was struggling with.

Because talking to someone meant that I had a weakness and that I didn't know how to fix it, and that's just not the type of person I am.

But eventually, after hearing other people and their stories I finally convinced myself that I would go talk to this woman, but I told myself that I was only going so that I could talk myself through what was stressing me out right now. I wasn't depressed so there was no need to talk about it.

Wimpy of me, I know.

So I went and she was really nice, but it was super awkward. I mean I talked and she listened. I'm really sensitive to other people's body language and like facial reactions, and I tend to be able to read it really well.

It just felt like even though she listened and she understood, that there wasn't much she could offer me that I didn't already know for myself.

It was good for me in that I have a relationship with her and that I can go back to talk to her if I ever needed to again, but I don't know. My depression only hits me hardest at high stress times in my life, so knowing that when I know I can't deal on my own, that there's someone there to talk to, that's really nice.

I guess like I just want you guys to know that

a. it's okay to get help even if you think it's stupid or you don't think it's worth it. Don't think about what others may think of you, think of yourself. Be selfish.
b. it's also okay if you don't click with your therapist.
c. it's okay to have sucky days. You just have to face your sucky days with the knowledge that you will build from it.

If you have any stories feel free to tell me so that I don't feel super alone about it. That would be nice.