Things Are Happening

It's late at night (well, technically it's really early in the morning) and I want to write about what I'm feeling. I'm feeling very... well, I'm feeling. That's the main point. I seemed to have fucked some shit up pretty bad, so that's a thing. I've been dating a guy named Michael, who is 21 years old, for 6 days, and I'm pretty much sick of him. His constant pestering of me on every social network imaginable, his hourly texts, his never-ending Skype calls. He know's he's being clingy, but won't stop. I'm going to break up with him tomorrow. After all, I could always use the "my parents found out how old you are" excuse. It's the one benefit of having a boyfriend 5 years my senior. So, yeah. We're going to a party tomorrow, so I can't do it tonight, even though I really want to. It'd be too awkward. So I'm trying to get myself through what is sure to be a really affectionate and lovey-dovey date. I'm listening to my iPod on shuffle, hoping for songs about murder and killing and being killed to come on. Those are the best to get me through dates, I've learned. It's become increasingly obvious over the past few months (or, arguably, the past few years) that I don't really have the ability to love someone. Really, I hate affection in all its forms (besides platonic) and can't stand the mention of the "l-word". With all of the people I've ever met or dated, including family, the most I can do is like a person. Even my best friend, I can never love her, no matter how platonically. I don't even think I'd cry at any of their funerals. But yeah, I believe that a friends-with-benefits relationship would suit my personality far more than a legitimate emotional relationship. It would satiate my need of physical affection while leaving all of the emotional bullshit behind. I have one person willing to enter this type of relationship with me, and possibly another. There, I've gotten everything off my chest. I feel much better now. Thank you, internet people.