Since I've Been Gone..

Since I've been gone, three major things have happened that has shaped my life:

• My mother died three times, and came back to life. She's been in the hospital for a month as of today.

• In the mix of all the chaos with almost losing my mother and my anxiety sky rocketing - I found a guy to "romantically" let loose. I love how he's able to understand that I don't want a relationship at all, I just crave lip locking every once in awhile, luckily he's proud to deliver.

• I dropped my Geology class, because I was going to fail and my nerves were shaken up out of this world. I still have my Psychology class, yet I still manage to procrastinate. I do it to myself. And for this, my depression only deepens when I see how much of a failure I am.

Some days I feel guilty for being happy, since my mother is still sick. Some days seeing my mother smile while laying in the un-comftorable hospital bed can make the depression go away. Her strength to survive and keep fighting on is enough to let me know i'll all be okay. But then a cloud hovers over when I think of how much of a piece of shit I am for not trying enough in life. I need the will to be motivated, when it should come as easy as it is for me to pick up my Xbox controller. Some days school and depression overwhelm me. Yet, when me and him lay in the passenger seat of his car or the back seat of my car, the kissing and comfort of each other's arms feel like a scene from a movie. Our secret "affair" just deepens into a play of mischief just waiting to spur.

I have this feeling that something big is going to happen and I'm pretty sure death isn't involved.
March 28th, 2013 at 05:47am