Doesn't Matter

I don't think it's fair, really. How I tried for nearly two years to make everything work. And you said you'd always be around, and never hurt me again. I don't think it's fair how I was always there before the better part of two years and I was three months away from having it pay off. Was she around nearly as long as I was? No. And now she gets you, for nothing, and I have to show for my efforts are these dreams that bring me to tears when I wake.

How can someone seem to care so much, and seem to put so much effort into something, then just leave when one thing goes wrong? I shouldn't have said what I did but I didn't mean it. I say a lot of things when I'm drunk; some that are true that I'm too scared to say when I'm sober (like the night I said I loved you), and others meaningless.

But that doesn't matter, really. Because the point is, I lost the girl I was in love with over something stupid, after waiting for two years and only having three more months to go until happiness. You're gone, so where am I supposed to find happiness now?

I hadn't dreamt for months. I never wake up and smile to myself at my dreams, because I never had any. But since you left, I've been reliving everything when I'm asleep and I can't get out of bed for hours. I dreamt that we were friends again. And I couldn't live with you being happy with someone else. And last night, you left again. I fought for you so hard. I refused to give up. But then I did, and you were gone again, and I woke up.

I don't know what the point in writing this is. I just can't keep quiet anymore. I know it was my fault that all of this shit happened. It's my fault my chest hurts and I can't eat and I broke down in class yesterday. I just can't pretend I'm completely okay with anything anymore.

For some strange reason, I let Bonnie talk about all of this with me yesterday. I didn't mean to say enough to upset me. It didn't, at first. But we were at the locker, and my words repeated in my mind, and I kept seeing the messages you sent me. And I got dizzy, and almost fell into the locker. I was in tears and I fell to the floor because I couldn't stand. I had no strength. The principal led me to the office, which I nearly threw up in, and I had to sign out and go home. I didn't feel like I was living. I felt numb.

I'd rather feel like that again than have this sadness tearing me apart.

There are so many more words I could type. So many words that I've already written down. But they don't matter. It doesn't matter how I remember you said you loved every part of me and always would, or how I remember you saying you'd never leave, or how I can't stop thinking about, or how I have to get stoned just to sleep because you're always on my mind.

None of it matters. And I know I don't anymore. But I'm not going to give in and talk to you, because I know you're happy now, and that's what matters.