I'm a Female Drag Queen (my sexuality and other nonsense)

I just have to get something off my chest because I've just been feeling really confused for the last few days and I just need to vent. It's not going to make much sense and it's going to ramble but I just need to talk about it to something and mibba seemed like the place to do it...

Yeah so... I feel like I'm a drag queen, most of the time. I'm female (somehow) with the whole indoor plumbing and breasts (I'm barely a B-cup...) and whatnot but, honestly, pretty much I feel like I've spent my entire life as a "guy" trapped in a "girl's" body who likes to dress up as a "girl." Does that make any sense? That must make absolutely no sense.

Sigh...

Basically, when I go out in public, I don't exactly try too hard to be a girl... But I feel like I have to try. Like I create this "girl" persona that... well, it is me but... it's not. I'm just here. My life is nothing but writing and drawing and food. I don't give a shit about my gender. I don't want to be any gender. But my body is female. And my head is male about 90% of the time and I just don't know how to... operate in the public eye without make-up. Like, I cant function without it. I feel like my whole female life is just a big ball of pretend. Like, I should want to dress like a guy and act like a guy because that's what's in my head but I cant. Like when a little boy wears his mom's heels. He knows this isn't conforming to his gender role but it's just this compulsive curiosity. That's me. I'm the little boy dressing up in his mom's clothes. Only I'm a girl. My body is a girl at least.

At home, you really couldn't tell I'm a girl, I think. I pretty much live in sweats and hoodies and ratty old t-shirts. And some of you girls maybe saying, "Hey, don't feel bad, I do that, too." But the difference is, I literally cannot make myself walk out in public like that. I am physically uncomfortable being in comfortable clothes in public. Isn't that a joke? It's so weird. I have to be done up, in pretty make-up and cute clothes or I just feel... wrong. It's like I'm a fraud. Like this whole being a girl thing is just me faking. Trying to pass as female. But I want it. I need it. I love the pink nail polish and the flowy skirts and the lace.

I'm a guy who wants to be a girl.

But no.

I'm a girl.

It makes no fucking sense and and I cant understand it. I don't understand what makes me this way. If I could pick one or the other, it would make sense. I'm not opposed to the idea of being trans. It would be one thing if my impulses matched my head. I could understand that. But I'm not. That's not who I am. I could never do T or have SRS so my body matched my brain. Because I would shave my legs and my face and my armpits and still want to dress as a girl. It would be so counterintuitive to what I want.

I don't even believe in god most of the time, but I have to admit. Sometimes I think I'm an experiment. Like some diety up there wondered, "We keep making these people who come out wrong. A glitch that mismatches their head to their bodies. What if we fixed it once? Put the right head on the right body." And then I came about. And I'm so backwards. But right at the same time. I'm female. And I want to dress like a girl. But in my head, in my heart, I'm a guy.

Now, I'm going to tell you something else and not going to give a shit if it weirds you out or not. Just be warned.

Sometimes, I even wish I had a penis. Isn't that silly? Sometimes, when I have wet dreams, I'm me, but with a dick, and I'm the "top" so to speak when I fuck a guy. I've never had a dream where I fuck a girl, but I have dreamed about fucking guys. Contrariwise, most of my "girl" wet dreams, I'm with a girl. Which kind of ironic, I think. Like, my two sides are both gay. It's funny. Almost. Mostly it's sad.

I identify as pans and gender fluid. The pans makes sense and I'm pretty much okay with it. Sometimes I make myself mad because I'm so indecisive and I know my pansexuality is just that- indecisive- in nature. I wish I could just chose "gay" or "straight" like most people but... I really don't look at gender when I fall in love with someone. It just happens. I just... love and the rest doesn't matter. Sometimes, I fall so hard, it doesn't even matter if the other person loves me or not. That's a really bad habit I have.

But anyway, the problem I'm having is with the gender fluid part. Because I didn't even know that was a thing until in about November or December. I just thought I was... neutral or something. Like it didn't matter, I fit into both categories. Then I discovered what gender fluid was, and I had a name for this way that I would go through moments of "masculinity" and "femininity". It was a big relief to have a name for it.

But...

The more I think about it, the more I feel like, maybe that's not even quite right. Because, I'm not fluid. It's a jerky, fickle thing. The moments when I feel like a real girl and the moments I feel like I'm just pretending and the moments I just give up and dress like a guy. I just want to pick one and settle with it. But I can't. I want to be them all, at the same time. I can't just fit into one box. I don't know how. It just really fucking hurts my head sometimes, walking around, feeling like I'm every sexual identity out there, all at the same time, like a giant war in my head. I just wish it would end. A winner would come out on top. But I can't decide. I don't know how.