If You Are Feeling Guilty, Maybe You Are.

I can't even begin to explain what is going on in my mind right now.

He told me he loved me. Me being the dumbass that I am, I bought into it. I knew better. I knew he didn't love me. He was using me. But he knew that he could get what he wanted from me if he said that he loved me.

I've never told a guy that I was in love with them before. Ever. It makes you vulnerable, and honestly I've only felt that way twice. Once with another idiot, and this time with him.

He knew though. He knew me inside and out, better than I even know myself.

All that I knew of him were the lies that he told me. He fed me lies, and I believed every single one of them. God only knows why, maybe because I was so desperate to believe that someone finally understood me. Wasn't scared off by my scars, or my depression, or my anxiety.

It was never real though. None of it.

He told me that he loved me. So I told him that I loved him too. I told him that, I let him take away a piece of my innocence that I will never get back. I wouldn't regret it I thought. Because he loved me.

But he was a liar. He just wanted what every teenage boy wants. He didn't love me. He loved defiling innocent girls, who were so desperate for someone to love them that they bought the bullshit he spewed from his mouth.

And he knew that I would. From all of the times that I forgave him when he certainly didn't deserve it. I can't believe how stupid and naive I was.

It meant so much to me. And so little to him.

I remember the exact words that he said to me. I can hear his voice in my head, coaxing me to give him a piece of my innocence, one of my firsts.

"If you love me like I love you... I've loved you for the last year and a half. And everytime I was with another girl, they just didn't measure up to you. And I know you're scared, but I promise you it's okay. Everything is going to be okay. I know you, better than you know yourself, and I love you. We have this insane connection, you know me. I want everything with you. I want to be a selfish bastard and take all of your firsts, because I don't believe there's anyone else out there who cares about you the way that I do."

And I bought it. He got what he wanted. And I got a deeper sense of self-loathing.

The next day he said to me, "I'm not saying that I didn't mean it. I just shouldn't have said it like that. When I still had Vicodin in my system from having my wisdom teeth pulled."

I asked if he meant it or he just used me.

He swore he meant it, just that he shouldn't have said it.

I told him I didn't get him.

He said he couldn't drop everything for me. He had been talking to this other girl for two weeks and couldn't just drop her. It wouldn't be fair to her. He said he "wasn't in the right place for a relationship".

When I was in a relationship he made me question it to the point where I broke up with a really good guy for him. But he only wanted me when he couldn't have me. You see, he didn't want me. But no one else could have me.

I just took it. I stood there and I took it while he told me that yeah, he loved me, but he liked this girl he had been talking to for two weeks too.

I wasn't brave enough to say what I was feeling. So I wrote it all out in a note.

Things I want to say to you, but don't have the guts to say out loud: stop fucking around with my emotions. You make me completely crazy. And I feel so stupid all of the time. So dirty. So used. But hey "drunk" words are sober thoughts. I don't even know where I'm going with this because we both know I can't stay mad at you for anything. I don't even blame you. Nobody wants damaged goods. I just can't help but wonder where I've gone wrong. Am I not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not good enough? Because these are all things I've considered. I'm getting so sick of this push and pull. And my friends are all sick of my roller coaster emotions. When I'm with you I believe every word that you say. But as soon as we're apart the doubt sets in. And let's be honest you've never given me a reason to be confident in your feelings for me. We have a pattern: I like you. I'm not in the right place for a relationship right now. I'm dating/talking to/fucking around with another girl. I don't like seeing you with anyone else. I like you. And repeat. And what sucks is that I let it keep happening in the hopes that someday soon you'll figure your shit out. But you never do and I'm left hurting and knowing full well it will happen again. "It's not fair to her if I just stop talking to her". It's by fair to me either. You're "not in the right place for a relationship" but claim you love me (take it back when you're sober) then tell my best friend you intend to date this other girl. It's not. And I feel sick all of the time because for some stupid reason I actually believed you when you said you loved me. I knew you were high, but you were so sure when you said it, and I just wanted to believe it so badly. What hurts the most is I can't tell if you knew that and used it to get what you wanted, or if you'd have to be hopped up on painkillers to love me. God it feels good to get this all off my chest. It hurts but I feel better having written this all out.

Since he was avoiding me like the plague, my friend gave it to him during their shared math class.

I got a text an hour later.

"Whatever. I may be fucked up, but so are you, so don't try to guilt trip me with a note. I made a mistake. Sorry."

I couldn't cry. Not in school. Not in front of anyone.

But one of my best friends knew. She could tell. She swore out loud shouting that he better hide from her.

I told her to back off. I could take it.

I couldn't.

I don't want to do anything.

I feel sick and used.

And it gets worse.

I sent him a text apologizing to him. I apologized for my feelings.

He said, "Whatever. I didn't read your text. I don't care."

And I've never felt more broken.

And my parents won't leave me alone.

All I want is to be alone.

Forever.