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What if I can't change?

What if I'll never be good enough?

My brother and I have never gotten along. Never. I'm six years older than he is. Sometimes we have good days. Then there are some days where I can't even look him in the eye without flipping.

Today, the first day I've been home in a full week, started off good. Then he started teasing our little sister (who's three years younger than he is) while my parents weren't home. I told them both to knock-it-off. Then my brother lit a candle in the kitchen and pretended to light those little plastic Easter eggs on fire. I blew out the candle and took my puppy outside to pee (the one in my photo collection on here). When I came back in he was lighting the candle again. I took a deep breath and took the lighter and the candle from him, determined not to yell. Determined to keep my cool.

He shoved me back and twisted my arm. I don't tolerate people touching me like this. I shoved him off of me, not to hurt him, just to get him away. He came at me and jumped up and kicked me. (He and my little sister are both in Karate, but are not supposed to use anything they learn at home.) It fucking hurt. I kept pushing him away, but no matter what he kept coming at me. I don't know what his problem is. Maybe he has anger management issues? I told him to just go to him room and cool off. He didn't listen. He never does.

My eyes started watering, for no reason, and I slipped out the garage door, closing it behind me, and sunk to the ground.

I hate fighting with him.
I hate that we can't get along.
I hate to say it, but I don't know that we'll ever get along.

This isn't really a post anyone can relate to, is it? Oh well, thanks for reading. Comment if you wish. It's always appreciated.