He Sees Right Through It

I know he does. He sees right through every fake smile I throw around like I'm not even trying to hide the fact that I feel like shit. In fact, I'm trying my fucking best to hide it. Either I've lost my touch for keeping my feelings hidden, or he's just the only one to actually pays attention enough to notice. That's pretty bad, considering not even my friends have noticed. The only one that knows what's been going on lately is Yumho. cause she's like the greatest friend ever, but as for the ones who I actually know in person, they've not noticed.

He knows that my mom is wanting to go back to Ohio, and that I don't want to go. That's about it, but I can just tell that he knows that I'm straight up pretending to be alright, when shit just isn't at all. I see him every morning before class, and then he comes down for ROTC. Tuesday morning, when I walked into the front lobby I went over to my friends who are mostly all in ROTC with us. In the mornings, we always joke around until the first bell rings, and even after that, we stay there joking around a bit more. I was standing next to me and like usual, we were joking around. He looked over at me so I faked a smile. I was actually pretty entertained, but no where near as much as I normally was. I haven't been all week. Well, when I looked at him, he looked at me for a sec with a bit of a questioning glance. He did the same time today when I smiled at him when we were doing a teamwork thing. He had the same look on his face.

He hasn't forwardly said anything about it, and for that, if he's noticed, and I'm pretty damn sure he has, I'm grateful, because if he were even remotely like our old Executive Officer, he would've ask what was wrong, and probably would've made me tell him, and I can't do that face to face. o_o I just can't do it. I'm physically incapable, but he's not like our old X.O. at all. The look on his face both times tell give me the feeling that he does know that I'm fucking faking it. Then just now, there was that picture he shared on facebook, then the fact that he liked a status of mine from a couple of days ago that read 'I've made up my mind. This time around I'm not leaving without a fight.'

I was talking about not wanting to go back to Ohio. I can't go back there. I won't go back there. I left Ohio without really saying anything, and it hurt me like hell in more ways than anyone can imagine. I've been here three years, and I've just now gotten used to being here this year. I have my ROTC family, I can't leave that behind. Yeah, my friend Gabby there, but that's the only reason I'd ever go back. She has a good life, a great boyfriend, plans for college once she gets out of high school. I know she'll wait for me, but I don't want her to be waiting forever. I don't expect her to. I just want her to go on and be happy with or without me, as hard as that is for me to say. And of course, there's that bullshit with my dad. He never wanted me when mom was pregnant with me, he wanted her to get a fucking abortion for fucks sake. He lived down the road from me until we moved here, and I barely ever talked to him. I've seen him twice since we came down here.

He had a massive heart attack a couple of weeks ago. He was gone. They shocked him twice.

And then he suddenly asks mom and me to come live with him in Ohio. After all this fucking time he wants me in his life. My sister pointed out that him nearly dying kind of... woke him up. But the thing is he never should've had to have 'woken up' in the first fucking place! It may seem a bit cruel of me, but he's a little too late for that. There's a couple of other reasons why I don't want to leave here, but I won't get into those.

Max knows, none of that, but he knows I don't want to leave. I told him. Like I said, I'm not entirely sure, but I think he knows that something's wrong. It's pretty sad when my friends don't notice at all and he, even though I don't see him much, does notice. Then again, I did talk to him quite a bit at military ball, and I was having the time of my life then, so he knows what I'm like when I'm truly happy.

I don't know if he really notices or not. If he does, I think he's just trying to let me know that he's there for me without openly saying anything. Maybe that's just a bit of wishful thinking, because I feel like I'm just... reaching out and I'm just about getting nothing.

I dunno. What do you think, mibba?