Please Don't Have Forgotten

A few months back I made a deal with him.

We agreed that if we still felt strongly about each other, and weren't in other relationships, we would give dating a chance this summer. We said that it would be okay, because no matter how ugly it is if it ends, we will go back to being friends.

Most people would say that's impossible, but they don't know us. We fight like you've never seen before, just arguing and putting all of our emotions out there. Then we go a little while where we don't talk. And then one of us caves, and we admit how much we missed each other, and go back to being friends. Then more, then one of us screws up, then the process begins again.

When we fight it's pretty much the most intense thing I've ever felt. I'm so mad at him that I could explode. But more than that I want to cry, because I'm worried that this time might be the time it goes too far, and we mess everything up for good.

You might think it's not worth the drama. Basically none of my friends do. Sometimes I even wonder myself. But then I see him, or something that reminds me of him and that's all shot to hell. It sounds so crazy- and maybe I am crazy. But he makes me feel so alive. When we are together or whatever it is, I'm so incredibly happy. Not many people see what I do in him, but when we are together... I see this side of him that no one else does. He's goofy, and nerdy, and absolutely adorable.

I only really tell one of my best friends everything, because none of my friends are huge fans of him. They think I need to stop letting him walk all over me. But they're just worried because of a little incident at the beginning of this year where they thought they'd lost me.

But I told my one best friend this. Everything reminds me of him when we are apart. Tonight a bunch of friends and I were out and for some reason smelling different body sprays and deoderent, and my friend picked one up and made me smell it. And the instant I did I was hit with a wave of sadness. And a serious feeling of being pathetic. I can tell which axe it is he wears by a single whiff.

I'm that pathetic.

I am also going to finally admit that I love him. I admitted it to him, and my best friend, that's it.

And only because he said it first.

Then took it back when he was sober.

He thinks he is protecting me. He is so certain that he is going to hurt me in the future that he hasn't realized how his behavior is effecting me now.

He keeps telling me that I will get all kinds of shit from people at school if I date him. That people will judge me and call me names, tell me how bad he is, how much better I could do.

And you know what he may be right.

But the thing is that doesn't bother me. I know I'm not the strongest person in the world, and I get his concern as he knows my lack of self esteem. But he's wrong about this. Because they're all wrong. He is not the person they think he is, he's not even the person he thinks he is the majority of the time. I don't care what anyone else thinks. He makes me happy, that will be enough for the people who matter in my life.

I just hope he hasn't forgotten our deal.