Fool Me Twice

Warning, this is a rant.

I don't understand how I could let someone in my life, knowing I would get hurt AGAIN. I swear I fell for him so hard, but I don't get why I thought this time would be different.
It seems all his ex's tend to get in the way, and he can't get past them. But that is his problem, not mine. My problem is that I allowed him to hurt me more than once. I allowed my feelings to get in the way, and the emotional walls I had built up, fall apart so easily. He seemed like the right guy, like nothing was going to go wrong again. I figure second chances are worth it in some circumstances. However this time, they just turned out to be wrong.

I am hurt, I'm sad, I'm angry, and I wish I would have known then what I know now. I wouldn't fall for him, because now I'm face down, starting all over again. Maybe I am looking in the wrong areas. Maybe I need to look for a different type of guy. However this one, seemed so perfect. He wasn't a deadbeat, he has his life organized, he accepts me for me, and accepts the fact I have a kid at such a young age. So where did I go wrong? Why do I always get myself in the position to be hurt? I just don't understand the ways of the heart.

I thought maybe it was because I haven't given myself time to find who I was after my long almost 3 year relationship before him. But that isn't the case. I know who I am and I know where I am going. There is nothing left to find. I thought then, maybe the relationship I need is somewhere that isn't confined by the tiny town I live in, but then whenever I moved to a big city, I can't find shit here either.

I just don't understand and I don't get where I am going wrong. I am ready for a relationship, I'm ready to find something serious. Why can't I find that? Why can't I find the person I am needing in my life right now? There are all these questions running through my head. So many things that I need to understand and gather, but I can't seem to figure it out.

Is there something wrong with me?
Is it where I'm looking?
Is it my age group?
Do I need to change myself?
Why do I fall for the wrong ones?
Why do I care anymore?
Why do I have such strong feelings for someone who I knew would hurt me?

I just don't get it.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

-Kat