Forcibly changing someone because of their beliefs is one of the cruelest things I can imagine.

This has been one of the most horrible few days of my entire life. I can't even fathom it anymore.

I'm getting better. Really, I am. But merely because of the distraction. Whenever I bring myself back to the thought, I can't bear it. I have no idea what I'm going to do if my teacher doesn't respond with the leniency that is vital for me.

There are three boys, and I'm going to say their names because it's not like anybody I know personally will see it anyway. Isaiah, Cody, and Nathan. Isaiah is the worst, then Cody, then Nathan. And that order is going to surprise you when I'm finished.
All three have them have called me a bitch several times. And, being the emotionally unbalanced girl I am, I have called them dicks when they have crossed the line. I don't say it just for the heck of it, unlike them. I say it when I mean it.

Isaiah has called me a bitch plenty of times. Nathan called me horribly ugly. Cody is just as bad. And you know what? I couldn't really care less about their opinions of me, because that wasn't the problem at the time. But they crossed the line, and crossed it again. At lunch, they reached over, grabbed my food, crushed it up, and flung it at me. I was so mad and I had to take time to cool off. I was hungry (because I didn't have any food...) and went to go buy some cornbread, and they had the audacity to take the pieces of my cornbread and shove it into their mouths. (This was not Thursday, this was earlier this week.) I stood up, walked over to them, and said, "Are you fucking kidding me? Don't ever touch my food again or I will fucking kill you." And it was completely stupid of me to threaten them like that, because I could get into worse trouble. But I was so mad and I thought I actually would kill them because of their disrespect toward me.

My parents pay for my food. What the fuck? How cruel can you be to reach over and just grab it and crush it up and be such dicks?

But Thursday gets even better, doesn't it?
Apparently the word spread around that I'm not Christian (credit to Cody). By Thursday, I had moved to an empty table to read Les Misérables by myself, and I wasn't that lonely. It would've been great to have my friends with me, but as long as I was away from those three boys, things were fine.

I could hear my lunch table whispering. And that's when it started.
Five people came over and surrounded me, then 10, then 15. They came to the empty table and started chattering about Jesus and God and how they died for the cross and how it's horrible to commit sins and about verses and Moses and all of this stuff I couldn't even make sense of. I thought it was a joke at first. I moved away and went into the bathroom.

People were like, "Oh, what a baby, she's crying in the bathroom." Heads up, people. I was LAUGHING in the bathroom. I was laughing my ass off because of all the shit you threw at me.

I got kicked out of the bathroom by the janitor and thankfully, the people had dispersed. When I sat down again, I called my friend over and I said, "Why did all those people do that?"

She looked at me with sad eyes. "They feel sorry for you, Julia, and they want to help you because you're not Christian."

What.
The.
Fuck.

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck.

I thought I was going to explode because all the emotions came rushing to me so quickly.
The first year of my life that I'm actually happy. That I'm content with my life and my beliefs (or lack of) and my friends and everything. The best year of my life. And you think I need help?
YOU THINK I NEED HELP?

I hate pity. I hate it so much and if people pity me, I would pity them. What the fuck is wrong with you. In the end, in the U.S., beliefs are a personal choice of yours and only you can truly decide what and who you are. And I've decided.
Some of them were sincerely trying to help. Okay, 2 of them were. The rest were being rude about it and they weren't respecting my privacy. I had told them, "I don't believe in that, so please just let me read. That's all I came here to do - eat lunch and read. I really appreciate your offers to church and your youth groups, because I totally respect your religion, but that's not me." They didn't hear me! They didn't care!

They're so fucking ignorant.

I was raising my voice in the lunchroom and people were starting to stare at me as I shouted to my friend. And guess what happened? GUESS WHAT HAPPENED THEN?

She started crying.

"We're just trying to help, Julia. We feel bad that you won't accept our help because it's such an indescribable feeling to believe."

WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.

Leave me alone. I have respectfully declined and your begging isn't going to help, it's going to annoy me. And now people are calling me names AGAIN and saying I'm a terrible person to make my friend cry like that. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

But that's not the end, people.

My best friend's boyfriend, who's a good friend of mine, talked to Isaiah for me. And guess what Isaiah did?

HE TOLD THE ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM TO CALL ME A "STUPID ATHEIST" NEXT TIME THEY SAW ME.

I can't cope anymore.
April 21st, 2013 at 07:44am